A GOOD-BYE FOR NOW.... POST

I have made a decision to stop addressing my blog --Living Life with addiction.  I will for the rest of my life live life with addiction at the forefront, but for now anyway I am choosing not to continue to write about my life.

I am currently a full time employee, and a part time student, mother, wife, and daughter to aging parents, so I have a lot on my plate right now.  I may at some point find myself in a place where I feel that I have the time to renew my blog, but for right now I simply do not have the time.

My goal is to continue on my path of living my life as best I can one day at a time.  I choose to let my son live his life as best he can one day at a time as well! 

Living Life with Addiction at the forefront is a difficult task for anyone, but it can be done with happiness if you will allow for that and make that a priority in your life.

For anyone who has read or is reading my blog-I hope that by opening up my life as I see it in this very public forum has helped in some way or reveiled something helpful in some way!  That was my only goal with this blog to begin with.

One important discovery that I have made during my journey with addiction --is that all of my pre-conceived notions about how best to approach my loved one regarding his addiction was wrong. Just like every lesson in my life it seems, I had to learn about addiction the hard way--by thinking I knew what was best without due diligence and research.  If I can offer one word of advice it would be to research addiction like your life depended upon it!  There is so much new and helpful research being done of late that is helping to open up new dialogs for understanding and help with the stigma attached with addiction. Read and study with an open mind, and find that place where you can come to terms with what addiction is or what addiction  has done to your loved one in a way where you can simply LOVE them and not blame them for having this disease.  Let go of thinking that YOU can physically do anything to dismiss addiction from your loved ones life and focus on yourself and the love you share with them.  I am not an expert, nor do I play one on TV, but I have lived with addiction for the past 14 years of my life, and I have made many mistakes.

What I have found is that....Compassion, understanding, and love are the only things that will truly help you with living life with addiction. IMHO

Best Wishes!
Pam

I am a mother of an addict.

My son is an addict.  He has been struggling with addiction of one thing or another since he was 18 years old, maybe longer than that, but that is when I found out.  I am a mother of an addict.

My son who is currently in remission/recovery has been clean for 4 months, and I know that does not sound like a very long time, but for an addict that is a substantial amount of time when you consider they are going for one day at a time. Almost every day I wonder how he is doing, how he is feeling and what is going on with his life.  He is living on his own in a Sober Living home about 2 hours away, and he has said on more than one occasion that he really likes living there.  I am very proud of him!  I am a mother of an addict.

I have read books, blogs, websites, literature, and pamphlets.  I have prayed, yelled, cried, screamed, whispered, and begged for understand and help.  I have enabled, ignored, supported, helped, always loved, and advocated for him countless times.  I do what I do.  It is not always the right thing or the best thing, but I do what I do.  He knows that I love him and that his family loves him.  We know that although our love is wanted, appreciated, and reciprocated, our love can’t help him stay clean.  Only he can do the necessary day in day out routines to stay clean and alive.  And it is a daily process for sure, one day at a time.  I admit that I worry sometimes—but then I remind myself that my son’s life is his to live however he chooses, not mine.  I am a mother of an addict. 

I made a lot of mistakes as a young mother, single mother, and parent.  I made lots of terrible choices in my life too.  But I also made some very good decision, righted many wrongs, changed my life’s focus, and set and achieved some pretty awesome goals in my life, and I am still going strong!  I understand in my mind that I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it, but somewhere in my heart of hearts I do feel responsible.  I can’t help but feel that way; I am a mother of an addict.

The best thing that I can do for me and my son, and the rest of my family truly is to just let go and let my son live his life.  He has been through the recovery process multiple times; he knows what he must do to stay away from the drugs that call out to him, one day at a time.  If he needs me, he will call.  He knows he is loved and supported in recovery every day, and that is the best that I can do for both of us. I am a mother of an addict.

Twenty Fifteen

Fourteen days into the new year and I have said more than once…’this year is not starting off very well!’

My husband and I had a nice Anniversary getaway over the New Year Holiday, but when we returned home things began to take a challenging turn for me.

Before we got back home, child #5 of 7 informed us that she had failed to make arrangements for her student loans for the Spring Semester, and that without our help she was going to be forced to drop out of college.  If only she had told us before we went on vacation we could have used our saved vacation $ to help her!  Tuition money for higher education is NOT part of our monthly budget, and we have explain this to all of our seven children. 

On Jan 6th I began a bout of vertigo, which I am still dealing with.  It is a week later and although the symptoms are not as severe as they were, they are still disabling.  The onset happened at work and all I could do that day was sit in the bathroom floor with my eyes covered and my head down, as fellow employees entered and exited asking if they could help in any way.  I was mortified, but I could not move for fear of throwing up.  My husband was working out of town, and it took him over and hour to come and pick me up from work.  Once he got me home I sleep for over 20 hours, and I was able to go to the doctor the next day.  The symptoms still come and go and last anywhere from 30 minutes to 6 hours, but I feel I am getting a little better every day.

Our main heating unit on our house has gone out again.  We had an issue with this unit last winter and spent over $1000.00 on the repair.  Who knows what the diagnosis will be this time, we are still waiting on a technician to inspect the unit.                                  










Our old cat Jack, who is about 10 years old, is not acting well.  It has been colder than usual so I am hoping that it’s just the cold weather that has him down and out these days.

I found out just last week that a good friend of mine’s son has been struggling with addiction issues for quite some time, and she just now shared that with me.  I have always been open and honest and shared with her about my son’s addiction problems, but for whatever reason she did not feel she could share with me.  This has made me very sad these last few days for many reasons.

So needless to say, I have had a few challenges early on this year so far.  But along with all of that I have many other great and wonderful things going on as well.  My son is still doing well living at a sober living house, he has been there almost 120 days.  He was able to make arrangements on his own for transportation to his probation meeting this month which was greatly appreciated by me.  My husband is doing well physically and emotionally with his work, and figuring out his diabetes diagnosis and Metformin.  And we were able to take our new baby to the beach for the first time, which was a lot of fun for all of us!

Probably the one thing that has really challenged me the most this New Year is coming to terms with my NON ADDICT child #3- issues with me.  I discovered that even though she is NOT an addict I must use my ALANON skills with her also.  In fact I have decided that I need to use my ALANON skills with every aspect of my life and relationships.  For whatever reason, stuff happens, people disappoint, and I make mistakes, and I have got to learn to let go of what I have NO control over.  A simple miscommunication that did not cause any big issue or problem in my mind, became a huge hurdle for this child, and it was all my fault.  Over and over again I had to hear about it Christmas Day, and then when I thought it was over and all forgiven, NO one last punishment just had to be delivered.  This final punishment was delivered last Sunday just as I was preparing to watch some of the Golden Globes (aka The Tina & Amy show).  To add insult to injury almost every winner made some wonderful and loving comment about their parents in their acceptance speeches, especially the guy who won for “Boyhood”, he said it best!  And Bless his heart, he will never know how much I appreciated his words!

He gave credit where it was due before thanking his parents “who gave me so much love and support.” Finally, “I want to dedicate this to parents that are evolving everywhere and families that are just passing through this world and doing their best.”  Thank you Mr. Linklater. Thank you!
I needed that!
Happy New Year Everyone!

Anniversary Poem

On December 31, 2014 my husband and I will celebrate 10 years together.  Our marriage to each other is our second chance at love, and we are making the most of it.  I love to write poetry and as Wordsworth says....
Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. 

So I have written my husband this poem, Twas a Love which I will give him on New Years Eve.  I want to share my new poem here on my blog.

 Twas a Love
Twas a love that engulf me as I opened my heart.
Not knowing the adventure about to embark.
It was early in 2004 my heart was quite still.
Love had tricked me and hurt me, I had my fill.
Laughter and fun was the goal by this time.
No trust was left in that heart of mine.
The children were grown and going on with their lives.
The days seemed like something just to survive.
I put myself out there to see what might happen.
One day just by chance I met a man in a cabin.
At first we just talked, and we talked, and we talked.
Soon it was clear we must meet or just walk.
It was easy and nice we discovered much in common.
I remember removing my smile was a problem.
With a kiss on my cheek he said his first goodnight.
It was right then and there that my heart did take flight.
My mind was a whirlwind my heart filled with joy.
Should I or could I wish for anything more.
As the days came and went we grew closer and closer.
Our hearts now were mingled and joined the moreover.
Don’t worry be happy was our motto those days.
The trials that were given only focused our way.
Something that seemed too good to be true,
With love in my heart I had nothing to lose.
Not perfect, we fight, we get hurt we converse.
Our love’s like the famous prose of Wordsworth.
We did not go searching, but were found just the same.
 This love continuum has hope to always remain.
Our Love Story today is a decade with time.
Growing, evolving, and in perfect rhyme.

12/23/14 pbist

I hope love lives with you and yours this holiday!

Maybe Christmas Means a Little Bit More

Living life with addiction certainly has its ups and downs just like a “regular” life (whatever that is). 

 Another year is coming to a close and with it many (including myself) being to think about the New Year coming and what resolutions need to be made.  Living life with addiction I am constantly reminded to live life one day at a time, so why should I bother with a resolution?  Starting over, starting a new with the New Year is a popular tradition, but the first day of the year is really just another day isn’t it?

Some of us have a hard time with one day at a time.  I believe that my son is well suited for one day at a time where I am not.  For example, at Christmas I plan and plan for weeks ahead of time.  Menus, cooking, budgets, shopping, wish list, chores, recipes, etc.  The three days before Christmas I almost have everything down to the hour.  It is crazy really how I plan and plan because all my planning is really just wishful thinking.  Things rarely get done according to my plans, but everything seems to works out fine. 

I suppose living one day at a time doesn’t mean you can’t make plans, it really just means that today is all that matters right now.  For an addict these words bring relief and hope that as long as they focus just on today, and not think about tomorrow or the next day, the goal seems much more doable.  In all my planning what I am trying to figure out is how I will be able to do all that needs to be done?  One day at a time!   One way in which I don’t have a big problem with one day at a time is financially.  I know I should put more away and save more, but something always comes up that seems to be more prudent than saving.  Month to month, week to week, day to day is how we manage our money, and we will figure out the rest as we can.

Last year it was painfully obvious, even though my son did try to hide it, that his active addiction was taking its toll on him.  It broke my heart to see him less than the man I knew him to be, but I was happy he was there with us for Christmas.  My son is currently living in a transitional sober living residence unit, and has been clean for about 90 days.  He will be coming home to share Christmas with us on Christmas Eve and I am so happy for him because he says he is much happier!


My wish for everyone who is living life with addiction is that on this Christmas Day may the disease be silent and may the love shine through!

After all Love is the meaning of the day and I think that is what makes Christmas a special day. 

God Bless,
And
Merry Christmas… and Let there be peace.

Holidays

It has been weeks since I even thought about reading or writing a blog. With school, work, my son’s transition to sober living, home repairs, and the new puppy; I have not had two minutes to spare it seems.
I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving Holiday!  We were with my husband’s family this year so it didn’t really seem like Thanksgiving to me only cooking one dish. Part of our day was spent pulling up carpet at his oldest daughter’s new house.  We offered to help and that day seemed as good as any for pulling carpet. At my in-laws this year I enjoyed watching all the interactions between them. It is a third generation Italian family, with lots of people and opinions, but no one speaks Italian.  I try to stay quiet if I can and just be polite and observe.  Thanksgiving and Christmas is held every year at my husband’s mother’s house with 3 brothers and 3 sisters, and all of their families, family friends, and other relatives that attend when they can. As you can imagine it is always a full house and there is no shortage in food on these occasions either.  My husband and I rotate holidays between our two families, and we try to host for my family when we can.  I was looking forward to the long weekend and getting our house decorated for Christmas, but as it turned out I caught a cold Thursday and I just really didn’t feel like doing much of anything the rest of the weekend to be honest.
Looking forward to the Christmas Holidays always seems to perk me up.  I enjoy that one day of the year where everyone comes to our house for a visit and meal. We do Dirty Santa, play with toys and children, laugh, and enjoy the day. We finish the day with a family group picture usually to moans and groans, but I always insist.
I am thankful for my life, loved ones, having employment, health and wellness, being able to quit smoking, my puppy, and this blog!  This past year writing this blog has been very helpful in keeping me focused on gratitude and living for today.  Reading many other blogs has also helped me, and I am also VERY GRATEFUL for YOU!
I will complete my college English course this week by turning in my Research Paper. I want to share it on my blog because I think it turned out well.

A Beautiful Mind
    Life is beautiful, and with all of its beauty and splendor it can also be very difficult and challenging at times. Trying to understand our mind, emotions, feelings, or even random events that happen to us, our loved ones, or innocent bystanders can cause us great stress and sadness. Adults and children alike can struggle with these types of challenges; they do not discriminate within the human race. The lack of emotional and psychological stability and understanding can contribute to adverse reactions such as substance abuse, violence, and suicide. Mental health is important to quality of life, and this does not simply mean the absence of mental illness (School Psychologist). Mental health understanding and support, and life skill solutions that cope with emotions and feelings can help alleviate and prevent psychological instability and the subsequent effects. Psychology has advanced in the past century with many certainties and understandings about our mind, emotions, and feelings. It is time to once again evolve as a society to include this science into the school system. Our society should demand that mental health and life skills are provided to all school children as part of their standard education curriculum.
    The learning process is essential to survival whether it be an individual or a culture. As early civilizations became more complex the need for communication through writing and reading led to the evolution of educational goals and processes. Throughout the ages,
                                          educational needs have transformed as society’s needs have changed.  What once was only offered to affluent adult men is now available for all children in this society regardless of social standing. Horace Mann and Henry Barnard helped organized and create the statewide “common-school systems” in the 1840s. These men sought to increase opportunities for all children and create common bonds among a diverse population. “They argued education could preserve social stability and prevent crime and poverty” (The History of Education). Our society should move forward with the addition of a mental health and a life skills curriculum today with this same goal. While in college at Morehouse one of the many essays that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. wrote was titled “The Purpose of Education”. In this essay Dr. King said that “Education must enable one to sift and weigh evidence, to discern the true from the false, the real from the unreal, and the facts from the fiction. We are prone to let our mental life become invaded by legions of half-truths, prejudices, and propaganda. Education which stops with efficiency may prove the greatest menace to society” (King, Jr., Martin Luther). The “mental life” of which Dr. King speaks is the psychology of the mind, where mental health understanding and life skills can help mitigate those processes. We are failing our youth, if we do not address mental health understanding in our primary schools systems.
    Special education and school counselors are currently a part of most school systems, but there is no set curriculum for an in-depth study of mental health, emotional stability, and stressors for students in primary education. Usually any psychological information, provided to parents or students in the educational system, stems from either behavioral issues or post tragic events.  Amending current school curriculums and preschool standards to include mental
                               health science could certainly provide for over all understanding and preventative measures. News reports of violence related to mental health issues with our youth seem to be on the rise and much too common place. What was once thought of as a safe haven for our children, schools are now addressing safety issues with security guards, metal detectors, and armed teachers.  All of these initial reactionary choices can only provide a Band-Aid to a condition that really needs surgery. “The U.S. Surgeon General estimates that one in five children and adolescents will experience a significant mental health problem during their school years. Some problems are more serious than others, but all children face challenges that can affect their learning and behavior. Schools are ideal settings to provide mental health services to children and youth” (School Psychologists). Preventative programs as part of the general curriculum are needed in addition to school counselors. “School based programs have been found to not only advance the mental wellness of children and youth, but to also improve academic achievement and behavioral functioning, indicating that schools can be a vital resource for psychological services”( Ekund, Vaillancourt, Pedley). Similar to physical fitness, all children should be taught skills to keep them be mentally fit for life as well. 
    Tragic and violent events like Columbine in 1999, Virginia Tech in 2007, and Sandy Hook in 2012 continue to make headlines in our country. Tens of thousands of US students skip school every day because they fear attack or intimidation by other students, and one in three students will be bullied (Sojourner, Hyatt). Forty million Americans ages twelve and older have addiction involving nicotine, alcohol or other drugs (What is Addiction). And, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported in 2012 that there were over forty thousand suicides,
                                      showing suicide on the rise and the tenth leading cause of death for Americans (Understanding Suicide). These statistics share a common factor in mental health with psychological challenges being contributing factors in all of the above. Violence has been addressed as a leading cause of death among young people and a critical public health problem. Learning skills for identifying emotions like anger and expressing those in productive ways can be taught (Prescott).The science of Psychology has evolved throughout the twentieth century to help provide mankind with successful remediation processes that should not be withheld from our youth. These advancements and lessons can transition and prepare our youth for a healthy and less stressful life. Currently there are programs like ACHIEVE (Klotz) and LST (Botvin) that offer curriculums of mental wellness and life skills. These programs focus on social skills, decision making, prevention strategies and wellness promotion, along with specialized and specific need within a community. Some communities in Florida, New York, and California that have already put programs like these in place as non-profit or private sector, but all children need these skills and education.
As a society we are constantly evolving with new understanding, and as society advances so too should our educational system. We have seen in our society how the lack of mental wellness can be a contributing cause to senseless violence and tragic conditions. Schools are well-suited to offer support, develop resilience, and provide comprehensive coping skills (Rossen). “A Beautiful Mind” is a true story about John Nash, a Nobel Laureate in Economics, who struggled in college with his extreme intelligence and his frightening delusions. He is quoted as saying,”I need to believe that something extraordinary is possible.” Our society
                                     needs to believe that something extraordinary is possible also. We must evolve and add these kinds of psychological studies and skills to standard primary curriculum, if we hope to prevent tragic events brought on by psychological issues.

Writing Essays

So I am 100 % engrossed in my English Class and the instructor has us writing every day it seems.  I love the challenge and I wanted to share some of my writing with you.

Here is my first essay, the topic was something you were successful at.

A Successful Quitter

            Quitting is rarely synonymous with success, but being a quitter is my greatest success to date. After thirty-four years of being a slave to smoking cigarettes, and many unsuccessful attempts at quitting, I was able to quit smoking cold turkey on April 19, 2012. I did not get up that morning and just say today is the day and that was that. Seven months before that I began to plan, network, and research how to be a successful quitter once and for all. 

At first I had to honestly understand and recognize the hold that my addiction to nicotine, and smoking cigarettes, had over me. The last time that I had tried to quit smoking, I didn’t even make it one day quit. I can remember crying on my back porch as I lit that cigarette and thought to myself that I would never be able to give them up. I was a slave to nicotine, every day, every hour, a little voice in my head would say “time for a smoke” and I would oblige or else that voice was relentless. I often would have to check my supply to make sure I would not be caught without a cigarette. I would not leave the house without my pack of smokes, even if I was just going to the corner drug store, because I could have a flat tire or a car wreck and then I would really need a smoke. It was beyond ridiculous when I thought about it, but this was how I lived my life. Nicotine was in charge not me, but I became determined that day on my back porch, that I was going to change that some way, somehow.

My next step was to get some help and figure out how others had been successful and make a plan for me, but first things first I needed to set another quit date. Six months out was my son’s birthday, it would be an easy day to remember and I would have plenty of time to figure out a plan. Next, I made an appointment with my doctor; after all he had been nagging me for years to quit smoking and said he could help. I started taking inventory of when and why I smoked and how I felt, and I began to change things up working toward my goal. I reached out to my family, friends, and co-workers; I made sure everyone knew so I would have lots of support and accountability.

  It has been a year and half since I quit smoking and some days I still can’t believe I did it. I didn’t need a reason to quit there were literally hundreds of reasons to quit smoking, what I needed was a plan and support to achieve my success. Quitting smoking was the hardest and most gratifying successful goal that I have achieved, and I am very proud that I am a successful quitter.