Another "Mother's Day"

I don’t get too hung up on “Mother’s Day” stuff! It has never been a big deal to me other than to be sure that I get my mother’s card to her on time! I did not get a Mother's Day card from any of my kids or grandkids, but I had a GREAT Mother's Day!

When my parents decided to retire to Florida, I had to approach Mother’s Day a week ahead of time, or my card would be late, and heaven forbid my card be late for any occasion! My father has a special way about him where he can make me feel so horrible about things like that.
‘Well, it only take a few moments to put a card in the mail, you would think that would not be too much to ask, but I guess it is.’ And he is correct!
Now, that my parents have moved back to Tennessee to be close to my brother I can usually arrange to visit them on special occasions. Knowing that their health will probably soon begin to fail as they continue to age, I want to be with them when I can more these days. I respect both of my parents for many different reasons, and of course I love them dearly. My husband and I made the two hour drive to spend the day with them Saturday before Mother’s Day. We went out to lunch; my daughter drove down also so we all had a nice visit. I took my Mom shopping to the local mall, mainly because she only shops Wal-Mart and Goodwill which I think is great, and I shop there too, but I wanted her to have a nice outfit to have for the summer. She would only allow me to purchase things that were on sale and “a good bargain”, but we did manage to find a few things for her. We had a nice visit; my father noticed how much weight I have gain since I quit smoking! HA! Thanks Dad!

So I had Sunday-Mother’s Day- to spend with my husband! Our Mother’s Day tradition has been to sleep in, have breakfast and hit the golf course! I am not a very good golf player (golfer…whatever), but one thing that does NOT help my golf game is having people playing behind me. I don’t like to be rushed, nor do I like for people to see me take a ‘mulligan’. Our first year together my husband made it clear to me that I was NOT his mother! We joke about that now, but I have certainly had to be a Mother to all of his 5 children, just as he has been a wonderful Father to my 2 children, he got me a really nice card! On Mother’s Day most golf courses don’t get the early morning golfers. I guess they feel the need to be with their Mother’s or wives, so we usually have the course all to our self. This year was no different, the weather was beautiful, and I actually hit the ball well on most holes. I only had major trouble on one hole, in one sand trap where I ended up not finishing that hole! I have a little bit of a temper where that little white ball is concerned. I had a really wonderful weekend!

We head out on our 12 day vacation this coming weekend. I am very excited as we have been planning this trip since December. No doubt I will return with funny stories to tell, and hopefully some of my son’s challenges will be complete as well. He has two court appearances that he must address and his future and outcome is uncertain. I was able to spend a little time with him yesterday and he certainly was upbeat. He seemed very clear minded and in a very good mood. He ate well, which is always a good sign, and was pleasant and helpful. We allow him to come to our home and do his laundry each week and we always offer him food while he is with us. He still has the same job that he got back in March of this year, he has not asked for anything from us in weeks, and certainly seems to be doing a little better with his… life with addiction. It’s not much, but we have no expectations and just live by the boundaries we have in place for him and for ourselves. I love my son so very much, but I cannot live HIS life for him!

I hope you all had a nice weekend and if you did not have the best of weekends, don’t give up! Most of the time our happiness is really just up to us, the hardest part is figuring that out! Nothing has to be perfect, but everything should be on your terms and what YOU need in order to find JOY!
Happy Belated Mother’s Day to all the Mother’s out there; and all the Father’s too!

Purpose and Struggle

My husband purchased a book for us to read together which asked; what is your purpose in life? This one little question sure got me thinking about a whole lot of stuff, and here are a few things that crossed my mind.
To continue writing this blog, I must believe that I have something to say for someone somewhere, some day. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but someday something that I feel necessary to share on this blog might help someone else in this world. This blog is certainly not my purpose in life, but the main reason I began writing was to help someone else as other bloggers have helped me.

My Religious association -- for the record—is converted Catholic. In my childhood I was baptized Methodist (Catholic Light, as my husband likes to say) so I am a person of faith, a Christian. Over the years I have had some struggle with my faith, but I have never wanted to let go for any reason.
Looking back at my childhood, I feel that at least part of my purpose (if not all) was completely out of my hands and not about me. As a daughter, my purpose was for my parents not for me. I will be forever grateful that I had purpose for them! Some children are NOT wanted, loved, enjoyed, or cherished by their biological parents. My parents were not perfect, but I did feel loved and I was very well cared for.

I myself was reluctant to become a mother; in fact at 18 years of age my self-professed future was to be childless, much to my mother’s dismay. Growing up in the Cold War era of the 60’s I found the world to be a very scary place. I thought the leaders of the world at that time to be less than kind and I was constantly on the lookout for a CD (Civil Defense) Shelter. At age 6, I knew the difference between a tornado and atomic bomb, but the school drills were exactly the same. The thought of annihilation at the push of a button was a hard pill to swallow for an innocent six year old. As a young woman I was determined NOT to bring another innocent child into this awful world just to have them live in fear of and/or experience a total apocalypse at the hands of man. Despite my wishes and desires concerning motherhood other plans were in the works for me and my family. For someone who did not want children I managed to have two children back to back within 14 months of each other less than 2 years after I was married.
In 1983, with new found motherhood, I discovered what I believed at that time to be my purpose in life, and I was ALL IN. I took to motherhood naturally and completely as many parents do with little difficulty. I had never truly known or understood unconditional love until I became a mother. I am forever grateful that my desire to be childless did NOT come true! I took what I thought to be my life’s purpose seriously and strived for perfection. I managed parenthood/motherhood with no self confidence, while surviving divorce and alienation by my family. I failed miserably at times and other times the joy and love I felt was overwhelming. So for about 20 years of my life I felt that I knew what my life’s purpose was even with all my mistakes. My children are older and out on their own now and occasionally ask for advice, but for the most part they do not NEED their Mother on a daily basis and remind me of such. Could it be that I no longer have purpose? Or maybe I was just confused and motherhood was NOT my purpose in life after all. Motherhood could have been just an accident; after all I had not planned on children. Or, maybe we have multiple purposes in life as we age and maneuver life. Or maybe no one has a purpose, we are all just here.
So many questions, so many thoughts, so many feelings that I am feeling. I find myself wondering about things that have little to do with my day to day life. Do we have to feel we have a purpose in life for our life to have meaning or worth? Maybe how we manage our life and the ups and down, maybe that is our “purpose”? I do not know!

In the midst of difficulty, fear, or confusion about a situation Psychologist will suggest putting your focus on yourself and not the other party or situation. To focus on how I feel and by expressing my feelings I can keep the focus on ME. I feel mad; I feel sad; I feel hurt; etc. I can have whatever feelings I have because they are my feelings, they are neither right nor wrong they are my feelings. Also, in Al-Anon/Nar-Anon the focus is to be removed from your loved one and placed on YOU. Your feelings, your concerns, what YOU want to do, etc. So I have all these wonderful techniques in order to focus on ME and what is going on with me, but I feel I am still a drift. I feel confused. I often just want to BE and not think so much about ME!

In every life there is some struggle of some sort, this is just a part of life from what I have witnessed so far. My son is struggling with his heroin addiction and he shall overcome this demon disease or it will control him or kill him. My work associate is fighting cancer that could end her life. My daughter is fighting to stay independent on her own now that her roommate has moved out of their house. My parents are struggling to keep their 50 year marriage to each other civil in the twilight of their lives.
Maybe it is enough just to make it through this life without allowing hate to live inside us. Maybe it can be enough to have LOVE as a focus in life and to try and give LOVE every day. For me, I have to get out of my own head sometimes. I think too much about so many things that regardless of how fascinating they may be they have nothing to do with my life or my struggles.

I take every day on faith that I will wake up and get a “do over”, and when I lay down at night I try to figure out how I need to improve on tomorrow, and how to always be grateful for what I have. Some days I forget to be grateful because I am consumed by other thoughts. Because I realize that one day I will NOT get a “do-over”, I do not ever want to forget to be grateful for everyday!

Directions

Addiction, death, and now murder?

I was so fearful that my son would die I went in search of healing for him, but what I found was understanding, compassion, knowledge, and healing for ME!
As a mother I of course blamed myself, I must have done something to raise him this way; for him to want to escape reality, be a bum and do drugs all the time. Just as my son did not choose this for himself, I did not make him “that way”.
My son did not decide to become a heroin addict; I believe that addiction was lying dormant in his brain. When my son tried his first cigarette, and then his first beer, it began. Slowly at first but then it progressed, then wine, whiskey, pot, pills. Like…that beer was good, but that pill was better. Progression is part of the disease, and now my son has found his way to heroin.
For an alcoholic, they do not start out drinking in the morning or drinking mass volumes of alcohol right away, it begins slowly and then increases, the disease progresses. I do not believe that any substance is a gateway to another. If orange juice provided the same response to an addicts brain that heroin does, orange juice would be the means by which an addict would find a release for his disease. I believe that the disease is not in the heroin, but is hard wired in the brain. My son’s brain tells him that his ONLY need in life right now is heroin, getting heroin and using heroin. You can replace the word heroin with different substances or even behaviors.
Anyone who has been given morphine in hospital has had a substance very similar to heroin but those people are not discharged from hospital as heroin addicts. Millions of people can enjoy a glass of wine with dinner and not become an alcoholic. It is the compulsion, the mental desire that makes an addict keep using over and over and over. Side effects of the drug or behavior of choice can create additional problems. Over doses, legal issues, physical side effects. But, all addicts suffer mental anguish of addiction regardless of the substance or behavior. The feeling of never being satisfied, without that substance or behavior, that is the essence of the addicted brain.
I heard a well know recovering alcoholic say once that he sure was glad he never tried drugs, because he no doubt would have been a drug addict instead of an alcoholic. He of course is making light of his struggle with addiction. For Alcoholics their drug of choice is legal to posses, readily available, and socially acceptable.
There is a stigma that comes with the word “Addiction” a stigma of “Choice”. Just as no one chooses Cancer, no one chooses Addiction. Just as certain activities can increase your chances for Cancer, smoking, tanning, etc. there are also certain activities that can increase your chances for Addiction, but I don’t see any PSA teaching that on my television.
There are no warning signs and there are no laboratory tests. Addiction is a recoverable disease, but it can also kill. One of the most successful treatments for addiction, once an addict has found sobriety and is looking for abstinence, has been The 12 Step Program. The 12 step Program can help anyone, and I happen to think that it is a wonderful tool for LIFE. The 12 steps alone cannot cure someone who suffers from addiction but it has certainly helped millions of addicts take control of their disease. I am not an addict, my son is. We (he and our family) are all just trying to find our way in life, and I can say that the Al-Anon steps have certainly helped me, and continue to do so.

But now everything has changed and someone has died, overdosed. Murder is being charged by our local police. Maybe the victim was not known as an intravenous drug user, and the accused being a known addict and “estranged” husband is why these charges have come about. This accused is a friend of my son’s, they have been friends since childhood and they both suffer from addiction. My son is involved somehow, has been subpoenaed and this whole situation is very upsetting. I just cannot imagine this young man being capable of first degree murder at all. I know that the stigma of addiction can carry with it irrational selfishness, but murder? Now a heroin over dose is murder in our town, and my son is involved. I am holding on to my calm here, I accept that there is nothing I can do to help either this young man, or my son. I just hope that the truth in this matter is sought out and found ---whatever that may be!

Nixon our rescue cat.

Update on Nixon the Cat…


With every new day Nixon becomes more and more comfortable in our family. His biggest fan so far is my husband despite the blobs of cat hair laying all around, his occasional moments up on my kitchen counters, and his sneaking into our bed during the night. But, NOW he has an obvious issue with our leather sofa. As we were having our breakfast the other morning, my husband noticed that the cat was sitting oddly on the leather sofa. As I went to investigate the cat dismounts and I find he has left behind a liquid substance. (Trying not to gross everyone out here)

OH NO, this will not do! I cannot and will not have a cat like this in my house; something will have to be done about this. My husband is pushing back saying that he is already attached to this cat and we will figure something out. Does anyone have any suggestions here? If he does this once my opinion is he will do it again. Luckily this happened on my leather couch which was fairly easy to clean right away, but if this happens on a rug or any other fabric surface I just know I will come unglued!

Also this cat is very loving in the mornings. This too is causing me some issue because now I have cat hair all on the legs of my pants where he rubs himself against me if I am not petting or brushing him. So there is that too! I have already told my vet that we may have to find another home for him as he may not be working out. I can live with the cat hair, I knew he was a long haired cat when I agreed to take him, but the other is NOT negotiable for me.

My son has addiction and I am going on vacation!

I am filled with excitement at the realization that my long awaited vacation is now only 3 weeks away.  The next three weeks will be very busy with many events to come before we can head out on our journey… birthdays, conformations, family visits, yard sales, and charity events.  I know time will fly by in anticipation of and also during our vacation week but that will be fine!  With every challenge I focus on the upcoming non events of “vacation week”.  Our vacation this year will be quite similar to a few vacations in the past where we have gone to the exact same condo and 3 day music festival in the Northern Caribbean, as Jimmy Buffett says.  This year will be a little different in that after the 3 day music festival, my husband and I will then travel to an island key and do absolutely NOTHING for three days and nights except stare at the ocean.  Now that is my kind a relaxation! 

Some folks just can’t sit and do nothing for three days, but I am NOT that kind of person. I have no trouble doing nothing and the older I get I almost need a few days after something like a music festival to recover from all the dancing and walking that goes along with all the fun at the festival. My husband is the kind of guy who is a lot like the energizer bunny; he keeps going and going; until he sits down and then he is asleep. He is the hardest working person I have ever known. He gives 200 percent to his employer on a daily basis, works nights, weekends, holidays, and never ever complains. He enjoys and is proud of his job, and wants to do his very best every day. Easter Sunday, and we had planned to drive in to visit his family for the day, but first we had to drive to a potential job site for him to examine prior to providing his customer with an estimated cost. It mattered little to my husband that his customer called at the very last minute, and did not have the exact information about the location; my husband figured it all out for them. His work ethic is just part of his success, he is also very smart, cleaver, and thinks outside the box. He can work out just about any problem that his customer might need resolved. When it comes to doing things around the house he is the same way and can really help me out when the household affairs need extra attention from time to time.

We will have about a 9 hour drive before our vacation begins at our first stop, but I enjoy the drive. We take the same route each time we go. The journey is mostly through very poor rural areas of the south, but I was raised in the south and this is what I know, it is not strange to me at all. I am just as comfortable in a dirty Quik Stop gas station as I am in a 5 star restaurant, maybe more! We have learned over the years that your best bet, which is 50/50, is to stop at a McDonald's to use the restroom. Also, depending on the time of the year, we like to stop at local fruit stands and buy our snacks for the road. I remember one year I had never tried boiled peanuts, so I just had to have some. Not one of my favorite things, but interesting. I even love all the packing and loading the car the night before. We like to leave early before the sun comes up so we can see the sunrise and avoid some traffic at the beginning. My husband and I have been married for ten years almost and so far we have not run out of conversation. When it is just the two of us in the car headed out on a road trip, we are both very happy and enjoy every minute!

We are two 50 something’s who will be hanging with the kids (20-30 something’s) on the beach while dancing to live music. We have in the past gone to the festival mid morning and stayed until way past dark. One of my favorite things to do is watch the “date night” folks arrive dressed to the nine’s around dusk just to catch the “Main” act. Here we are the old, dirty, sunburned, tired, bathing suit wearing, all day longer’s sitting in the shade watching the pretty people walk by. WE LOVE IT! In the past we have left the festival once we hear a few songs of the “Main” act and we start talking about the music we enjoyed and what is yet to come the next day. We love meeting new people and being in a place filled with good food, nice people, and cool music both old and new. You put that all on a sandy beach by the Gulf of Mexico and that is our Paradise. Last year my husband wore a Gorilla mask at the festival while dancing for a while and was a big hit with everyone! He loves to make people smile, especially me!

It is a curious thing as you age, you know you are getting older with time, but you don’t “feel” older. I have these random aches and pains that come and go, I go to bed a little earlier than I use to, and I certainly LOOK older, but deep down inside I feel just as I did when I was younger. With time you not only get older you get wiser they say. Experienced is what I like to say- not wiser!


This reminds me…. The Jimmy Hendrix song Are You Experienced lyrics are below…


If you can just get your mind together

Then come on across to me

We'll hold hands and then we'll watch the sunrise

From the bottom of the sea

I know, I know you probably scream and cry

That your little world won't let you go

But who in your measly little world

Are you trying to prove that

You're made out of gold and, eh, can't be sold

Trumpets and violins I can hear in distance

I think they're calling our names

Maybe now you can't hear them, but you will

If you just take hold of my hand



These lyrics remind me that what I think sometimes is NOT reality. If I am scared and hurting it is up to ME to change that for me, it matters little what anyone else thinks. If I can just get my “mind together”… This reminds me of how far I have come in dealing with the heart wrenching pain of having a loved one who suffers from this disease of addiction. I use to think my son’s struggles were all about choices, but the “choices” are a symptom of his disease. If it was just about choices, my son would NOT be an addict! His mind would work differently and he would not be tormented by this disease every single day. Some people will say ‘Everything happens for a reason’, but I do not know about that. What I do know is that ANY THING can happen to anyone, and even if it is terrible and sad, that THING can cause something else to happen to someone else, and so on and so on. We can affect each other for better or for worse. We can learn from each other for better or for worse. I say this because I have been to a very dark, scary, sad place; A place in my mind where I could see and feel nothing but sadness and fear. I felt like I could not take another minute not knowing what to do to help my son. Worried about what I should or should NOT do, worried about where he was, what he was doing, not knowing if he was alive or not. This was the darkest place I have ever been in my life and I was wrecked with fear. But today, although my son is still and will always be an addict and I realize there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that, I am HAPPY! I am more than happy; I am engaged in MY life, looking forward to my upcoming vacation, and I don’t feel guilty about that either. I do not have all the answers, but I do know that I am living my life for the “better”. And I know that I truly LOVE my son no matter what he does, and I don’t care what anyone else thinks about any of that. 

There is still so much that we don’t know about addiction and much more research needs to be done. Until socially this disease is accepted as the progressive, non discriminatory, chronic and deadly disease that it is, our society will struggle with the ability to truly help those suffering with that disease.

There is an old saying that I don’t really care for but I changed it to be the basis for overcoming the challenges of loving an addict. Happy Life=Happy wife I changed to...Happy Life= Happy Life. I mean it is not rocket science, a smile is contagious, and so on and so on. Sure some days I don’t feel good and therefore I am not my happiest, but My life happiness is truly up to me, despite whatever I many suffer from, and we all suffer something. So ….Happy Life=Happy Life. Just explain to your brain that you are going to be happy. If not right this second, then later on today, if not later on today, then tomorrow and start doing something that you absolutely LOVE everyday to make it happen! Take back your life! Seek out and find others who know what you are going through…Al-Anon meetings- you can find comfort and understanding there. Read what they suggest to help you better understand this disease, and your options. Just like in an airplane, you must first put YOUR oxygen mask on before helping others! Take care of you, and then you will be better able to take care of the ones you love and care about!

Step up and stand out as an advocate for breaking the stigma of addiction. Addiction is a chronic progressive disease that our society needs to learn more about! It is NOT about losers who just want to hang out and do drugs all day. It is fathers & mothers, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters.

Instead of saying my son "is an addict" like he has a choice, I should say...

My son has addiction, but he is so much more than that!

I am the mother of a son who has addiction, but I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT!




Thanks for listening… (Reading)…. 

Nixon the Cat Update...

Nixon (the rescue cat) Update…..


Last week my husband and I took in a rescue cat and we named him Nixon. He stayed hidden for his first few days at our house only coming out of hiding to eat and run from room to room. In week two he has begun to warm up to his surroundings and us. He is a beautiful loving cat, and we have wondered as to why this beautiful loving creature ended up being a “rescue”. This past weekend we discovered his anomaly as an avid adventurer and escape artist. The same fearful hiding cat that we took in to our home less than two weeks ago is now a demanding to be released into the wild at every turn. He shot out between my husband’s feet Saturday night as he entered our back door. The cat was literally hiding behind the curtain and darted out just as my husband opened up the door. It was quite comical to watch three grown people try and corral a feline. We were successful after some frustrating maneuvers, but we are now fearful that our Nixon will escape our home and venture out and about on his own never to be heard from again. He may be a perpetual donation getter for the numerous rescues in our town. He is constantly sleeping, eating, and trying to escape our house. That is his new routine in week two, and I hope this will be a short lived adjusting behavior just as his shyness was. To Be Continued…