A Difficult Night

Last night was a difficult evening for me living life with addiction.  But this morning is a new day, and I have renewed hope for my son that very soon he will find his way back to recovery.  I want to share the events of last night because evenings like last night are the reason why I started this blog. 

 

For the past few months my son has been coming over once a week to do his laundry, visit, and share a meal with us.  I do not instigate these weekly visits, he will usually text me and asks if this day or that day is better for us and we go from there.  This is my way of keeping my boundaries in place and keeping our relationship on my terms.

 

Yesterday afternoon before I ended my work day my son sent me a text…

                ‘You busy?  Can I come do laundry tonight?’

 

I had already planned on going to the grocery on my way home, so I decided that I would go by and pick my son up and take him with me to the grocery; maybe he needed a few things too.  You see last week when he came to do his laundry he told me that he had finally paid off his legal fines and restitution with City Court.   And…that he had one more court appearance to close the case against him.

 

 My response was…

”That is GREAT…so what is the plan now?”

 I know I should not have asked!  I should have just said…That is GREAT and left it at that…but sometimes I cannot seem to stop the words from coming out of my mouth!   

 

He said to me …”what do you mean?”

To which I responded “do you have a plan? Financially? Now that all your fines are paid off?”

“Sure!” he said “the first thing is save some money and get a phone, then a car, then a better place to live.  That’s The Plan.”

 

My heart jumped for JOY…my son had a plan…he wasn’t just living for drugs, he has a plan!  I was so happy to hear this.  Those few sentences truly gave me some added hope that maybe he had turned a page.

So yesterday when he reached out…I wanted to do something to maybe help him along with his plan if I could.  I was very much looking forward to the evening and visiting with my son.  My husband is out of town so much, I get lonely at home alone all week long.

 

When I pulled up to his apartment complex (which is an unkempt, dirty, dilapidated, four-plex where the people across the parking lot live without electricity by choice) he was sitting outside on the steps waiting for me.   It was probably 95 degrees outside and I could see before he ever got into the car that he did not look good.  He put his dirty clothes basket in the back and hopped in the front with me.  He looked terrible!  I had not seen him look this bad in months!  He was unshaved, his hair was oily, his clothes were grubby, and he had weepy looking eyes.   I said to him…”you look terrible!  Are you OK?”  He immediately pulled down the visor mirror and looked at himself and said…”What? I took a shower yesterday.” And then he looked directly at me.  I looked at his pupils to see if I could tell if he was high.  Before I gave myself a moment to think and process what I should and should NOT say… I said it….

 

“Are you high?”

 

 I immediately looked down and then I saw it!  Multiple track marks on his arms.  He was wearing a short sleeve shirt.  The track marks were bad and fresh.  OMG there it was like a slap to my face.

 

“Never mind!”  I say…”I shouldn’t have asked.”  He immediately began talking… he is saying things like...

 

No Mom!  I haven’t in a while.  It’s been like two days.  You know I’m trying.  What am I supposed to do?  Not having any is why I look like this.  It’s hard to just quit!

 

 It was almost like I was having an out of body experience for a few minutes.  I could hear him, but his words were muffled.  I just keep thinking to myself.  WHY ARE YOU SHOCKED BY THIS????  Your son is a heroin addict why are you surprised?  This is what it is.  BAM!  In your FACE lady!!!! 

 

I am not saying anything.  He stops talking too and now the car is quite.

 

I am not the type of person/mother that instantly begins to cry when she sees someone she loves hurting or gets bad news.  I usually go into action mode:  Cut finger-Band-Aid.  Broken heart-reassuring hugs and ice cream.

As a mom I have always been ready to “Fix it” when my kids got hurt!  Mistakes and accidents were meant to be learning opportunities not for scolding or corporal punishments.  I was determined NOT to be like my parents when it came to the Old School methods of discipline.  But learning how to live life with addition is loving motherhood in reverse .  You can't teach, you can't fix, YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE of addition, or your addict loved one.

 

So much for the grocery store!   There is no way I am taking him with me to the grocery.  But I do take him to my house so he can start his laundry.  I just go about my regular routine—the wild rescue dog turned over his water at some point during the day and he is having a fit to get a drink of water.  I can barely control him.

 

 I tell my son that there is soup in the pantry if he is hungry and wants it.  I check the mail and then being to fix my supper.   All along I am thinking about how I will explain to my son why he cannot come back to my house next week.  I want to tell him right now!  I want to talk with him and make him see once and for all how heroin is not his friend and how he needs help!  But NO!  I can’t do that….nothing I can say will ever get through to my son.  It is like he can’t hear anything that anyone says to him…he can only hear himself right now.

 

I keep telling myself…It is all about what I can change and the wisdom to know the difference.  So I don’t say a thing until we are back his apartment building.  The people across the parking lot are still sitting outside their dark apartment on their stoop, and I can hear them talking loudly at each other.

 

I explain to him what my boundaries are and how I compromised them. 

I said that he may not understand why; but he cannot come and do laundry at my house next week.

I told him that I love him unconditionally no matter what! 

I said that I knew that he did not WANT to be an addict; but it was going to take more than WANT to overcome his disease.  

I reminded him that he knew a lot of people in town that could help him find his way back to recovery, but I was not one of those people.

I told him that I would stay in touch and he should too; and if he needed a ride to rehab I would be glad to take him.

I told him that I could only support him in sobriety and recovery.

 

I reached out and gave him a big hug, he hugged me back for what seemed like several minutes, like he did not want to let go!  He had tears in his eyes, and for the life of me I do not know how I held it together. 

 

 As I drove back home I was in a trance like state, numb and drained of every ounce of energy I had.  There it was…the reality of… my life with addiction.  As I started thinking back to what a sweet child my son was when he was younger,  I reminded myself that he is still my sweet son, but no longer young. 

 

He is a man with 30 years upon his head-- I will not, call him child.

Read more: Grateful Dead - Ship of Fools Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

It is well known that Jerry Garcia struggled with heroin addiction for many years before he died.  I think he was an extremely talented man in so many ways. I am one of the many Jerry fans in the world, and often when I wonder what in the world my son is thinking…I hear Jerry sing.  I just happened to be miracled into the very last show that Jerry played with the Grateful Dead in Chicago 1995.  I will never forget it!