The Twins Vacation

My husband and I both have children from our first marriages (we do not have children together).  I have two children a boy and girl; my husband has five children 3 boys and 2 girls.  All of our children are over the age of 18 but the twins; fraternal twin boys 17 years old and seniors in high school this year.

 

For the past ten years my husband and I have taken the children every summer on vacation, and this being our very last child vacation I lobbied for our nation’s capital; Washington DC.  I think that every citizen of the USA should visit DC to see all that symbolically stands for what our founding fathers hoped for and wanted to achieve.  Our country is so unique compared to all other countries and municipalities in this world, and in days of such cynicism we need to remember from where we came and what we are supposed to stand for.  So many singular ideas forgetting that this country was born of compromise and liberty…not just liberty. 

 

I highly suggest the free Capitol tour through the Capitol Visitors Center.  The facility is very nice, well thought out, well managed, and high tech.  I was completely impressed and pleased!

As I walked up the steps and passed by the doors that lead to the balcony of the Capitol where Presidents take their oath of office, I could feel the history of that building in that moment.  Needless to say, it was surreal.  I listened to the story of how George Washington set the cornerstone; how the Capital was built in part by slave labor (that information only recently released to the public), and then burned and built again; expanded and updated, and how one part was hand painted by three different men over many years in such a magnificent way that the paintings look like sculptures.  I was proud and impressed by what I learned and re-learned, what I saw and how I felt as a citizen in my Capitol building.

 

 

 

The District is filled with monuments and memorials to lives lost and courage, great men with even greater ideas, to hero’s and generals, to allies and history, to art and innovation.  I have been to DC probably 5 times before, but on this trip I was most impressed by the WWII Memorial and the Pentagon 9-11 Memorial.  Every time I have been to DC my emotions are rushed and my patriotism and gratitude grows greater.  The National Archives is where you can see the original documents that forged this nation; The Declaration of Independence; the original Constitution of the United States; and the Bill of Rights.  They sit in a protective vault that is free and open to the public, citizen or not.  DC is a very busy place as you can imagine and very secure.  The people who work in DC for the most part were nice and very knowledgeable about what they were doing; weather it was the shuttle van drivers, tour bus guides, security officers, Metro attendants, or busy restaurant employees. 

 

The Capitol tour begins with a fifteen minute movie that tells about the buildings history and purpose.  They speak of how compromise is the essence of how our government works both now and in the beginning and how compromise is mandated by the Constitution.

 

By definition compromise is:  agreement: a settlement of a dispute in which two or more sides agree to accept less than they originally wanted

Something accepted rather than wanted: something that somebody accepts because what was wanted is unattainable

 

Compromise is necessary for any relationship.  Weather it is a people, or couple, a business or organization; compromise is one of the keys to success.  So many times I have had what I thought was an excellent idea, maybe not perfect but certainly a doable option, but my husband would offer  an alternative option that I never even thought about and we work out a compromise together.  With the twins we compromised with what they wanted to do in DC and what I felt like they should do and see in DC. 

 

But how does compromise fit in with addiction? As a loved one of someone who suffers with addiction, I must accept the things that I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.    Accepting what I cannot change is certainly a compromise and a very difficult compromise at best.  Do I compromise what I need to do and say with my addicted love one?  Yes, Sometimes I do.  Sometimes I don’t set strong and healthy boundaries for myself and I have to make changes and listen to others who can offer me advice.  Sometimes I don’t get it right the first time, and I have to make compromises and adjust.  When what I want is not obtainable, I must compromise, just as our nation’s law makers must do.  I struggle sometimes with not wanting to compromise because I am certain that my ideas are what’s best, but often I am wrong.    The attitude that I take, weather negative, positive, or indifferent, can fortify whatever it is that I am trying to achieve.   When indifferent or negative attitudes abound I try not to make any important decisions or compromises.  I wait until the next morning because in the mornings I feel the most optimistic and hopeful.

 

Just like those who came before us, and forged their way to find a new world, we get things wrong too.  Mistakes will be made in life, and that is as promising as death and taxes.  What is most telling is how we compromise, adjust, accept, forgive and change mistakes into triumphs and celebrations.  Our country has found a way to overcome oppression, civil war, world wars, depressions, and recessions.  Many are still working on ending hunger, homelessness, disease, brutality, religious freedom, and many other challenges that face us and people all over the world.  Humanity is a work in progress evolving toward a more perfect union.   

 

Washington DC is not one of the 50 States; it is our nation’s capital and sacred ground to me.  George Washington himself chose the sixty one square miles along the Potomac River northeast of Virginia as the location for the governing body of our new nation.  It really is a wonderful place to visit and for me it stands as a reminder that hope abides within the essence of humanity then and now. 

A Difficult Night

Last night was a difficult evening for me living life with addiction.  But this morning is a new day, and I have renewed hope for my son that very soon he will find his way back to recovery.  I want to share the events of last night because evenings like last night are the reason why I started this blog. 

 

For the past few months my son has been coming over once a week to do his laundry, visit, and share a meal with us.  I do not instigate these weekly visits, he will usually text me and asks if this day or that day is better for us and we go from there.  This is my way of keeping my boundaries in place and keeping our relationship on my terms.

 

Yesterday afternoon before I ended my work day my son sent me a text…

                ‘You busy?  Can I come do laundry tonight?’

 

I had already planned on going to the grocery on my way home, so I decided that I would go by and pick my son up and take him with me to the grocery; maybe he needed a few things too.  You see last week when he came to do his laundry he told me that he had finally paid off his legal fines and restitution with City Court.   And…that he had one more court appearance to close the case against him.

 

 My response was…

”That is GREAT…so what is the plan now?”

 I know I should not have asked!  I should have just said…That is GREAT and left it at that…but sometimes I cannot seem to stop the words from coming out of my mouth!   

 

He said to me …”what do you mean?”

To which I responded “do you have a plan? Financially? Now that all your fines are paid off?”

“Sure!” he said “the first thing is save some money and get a phone, then a car, then a better place to live.  That’s The Plan.”

 

My heart jumped for JOY…my son had a plan…he wasn’t just living for drugs, he has a plan!  I was so happy to hear this.  Those few sentences truly gave me some added hope that maybe he had turned a page.

So yesterday when he reached out…I wanted to do something to maybe help him along with his plan if I could.  I was very much looking forward to the evening and visiting with my son.  My husband is out of town so much, I get lonely at home alone all week long.

 

When I pulled up to his apartment complex (which is an unkempt, dirty, dilapidated, four-plex where the people across the parking lot live without electricity by choice) he was sitting outside on the steps waiting for me.   It was probably 95 degrees outside and I could see before he ever got into the car that he did not look good.  He put his dirty clothes basket in the back and hopped in the front with me.  He looked terrible!  I had not seen him look this bad in months!  He was unshaved, his hair was oily, his clothes were grubby, and he had weepy looking eyes.   I said to him…”you look terrible!  Are you OK?”  He immediately pulled down the visor mirror and looked at himself and said…”What? I took a shower yesterday.” And then he looked directly at me.  I looked at his pupils to see if I could tell if he was high.  Before I gave myself a moment to think and process what I should and should NOT say… I said it….

 

“Are you high?”

 

 I immediately looked down and then I saw it!  Multiple track marks on his arms.  He was wearing a short sleeve shirt.  The track marks were bad and fresh.  OMG there it was like a slap to my face.

 

“Never mind!”  I say…”I shouldn’t have asked.”  He immediately began talking… he is saying things like...

 

No Mom!  I haven’t in a while.  It’s been like two days.  You know I’m trying.  What am I supposed to do?  Not having any is why I look like this.  It’s hard to just quit!

 

 It was almost like I was having an out of body experience for a few minutes.  I could hear him, but his words were muffled.  I just keep thinking to myself.  WHY ARE YOU SHOCKED BY THIS????  Your son is a heroin addict why are you surprised?  This is what it is.  BAM!  In your FACE lady!!!! 

 

I am not saying anything.  He stops talking too and now the car is quite.

 

I am not the type of person/mother that instantly begins to cry when she sees someone she loves hurting or gets bad news.  I usually go into action mode:  Cut finger-Band-Aid.  Broken heart-reassuring hugs and ice cream.

As a mom I have always been ready to “Fix it” when my kids got hurt!  Mistakes and accidents were meant to be learning opportunities not for scolding or corporal punishments.  I was determined NOT to be like my parents when it came to the Old School methods of discipline.  But learning how to live life with addition is loving motherhood in reverse .  You can't teach, you can't fix, YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE of addition, or your addict loved one.

 

So much for the grocery store!   There is no way I am taking him with me to the grocery.  But I do take him to my house so he can start his laundry.  I just go about my regular routine—the wild rescue dog turned over his water at some point during the day and he is having a fit to get a drink of water.  I can barely control him.

 

 I tell my son that there is soup in the pantry if he is hungry and wants it.  I check the mail and then being to fix my supper.   All along I am thinking about how I will explain to my son why he cannot come back to my house next week.  I want to tell him right now!  I want to talk with him and make him see once and for all how heroin is not his friend and how he needs help!  But NO!  I can’t do that….nothing I can say will ever get through to my son.  It is like he can’t hear anything that anyone says to him…he can only hear himself right now.

 

I keep telling myself…It is all about what I can change and the wisdom to know the difference.  So I don’t say a thing until we are back his apartment building.  The people across the parking lot are still sitting outside their dark apartment on their stoop, and I can hear them talking loudly at each other.

 

I explain to him what my boundaries are and how I compromised them. 

I said that he may not understand why; but he cannot come and do laundry at my house next week.

I told him that I love him unconditionally no matter what! 

I said that I knew that he did not WANT to be an addict; but it was going to take more than WANT to overcome his disease.  

I reminded him that he knew a lot of people in town that could help him find his way back to recovery, but I was not one of those people.

I told him that I would stay in touch and he should too; and if he needed a ride to rehab I would be glad to take him.

I told him that I could only support him in sobriety and recovery.

 

I reached out and gave him a big hug, he hugged me back for what seemed like several minutes, like he did not want to let go!  He had tears in his eyes, and for the life of me I do not know how I held it together. 

 

 As I drove back home I was in a trance like state, numb and drained of every ounce of energy I had.  There it was…the reality of… my life with addiction.  As I started thinking back to what a sweet child my son was when he was younger,  I reminded myself that he is still my sweet son, but no longer young. 

 

He is a man with 30 years upon his head-- I will not, call him child.

Read more: Grateful Dead - Ship of Fools Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

It is well known that Jerry Garcia struggled with heroin addiction for many years before he died.  I think he was an extremely talented man in so many ways. I am one of the many Jerry fans in the world, and often when I wonder what in the world my son is thinking…I hear Jerry sing.  I just happened to be miracled into the very last show that Jerry played with the Grateful Dead in Chicago 1995.  I will never forget it!

A Trip to Remember

My husband and I took a quick trip to St. Louis with my parents this past weekend.  My Father is one of the biggest Cardinal fans I have ever known!  All my life I can remember my father watching and going to Cardinal games.  Many of my childhood vacation memories involve going to St. Louis and seeing the St. Louis Cardinals play a home game. My Father in his youth was a true athlete.  He played football, baseball, and basketball in High School and was really good at all of them.  So good in fact that many of his stats are records at his old High School that still stands to this day.  He tried to continue his athletic career into college, but that was not meant to be.  I grew up sitting next to my Dad on Sunday afternoons watching sports and learning the rules of the games.  Weather it was golf, baseball, football, or basketball he loved it all and we watched it all.  When I was old enough my dad insisted that I try to play basketball.  My dad trained and coached me for 3 years until we both realized that I did not have his natural athletic ability; but I learned a lot from him.

 

My Father turned 78 years old last Friday, and Saturday we drove him and my Mother to St. Louis to catch the Saturday night Cardinals baseball game against the Milwaukee Brewers.  The weather was perfect, it was a packed house, and the Cardinals won!  We chose a hotel that was close to the Stadium thinking that the five block walk would be fine, but immediately my Dad had trouble keeping up in the crowd.  I kept looking back to find him lingering about 5-8 people behind, as my mother was steadily increasing her pace ahead of us.  I would call out for Mom to wait on us as I tried to keep an eye on my Dad behind us.  My parents have been married to each other for 53 years, and they often march to the beat of their own drum, they don’t have the kind of relationship that would have them walking hand and hand.  My husband and I always try to walk hand and hand, but not long after we began to make our way to the stadium we struggled to hold hands while keeping an eye on both of my parents.  Being 52 years old, I think that being seventy-eight is pretty awesome, but I discovered that it certainly has limitations.  Because of old sports injuries, and a car wreck, my Dad has trouble walking.  Weather it is across the room or across a street, my father can barely pick his feet up.  He scuffs along at a much slower pace than most, but he never EVER complains.  He is constantly looking down at his feet to watch his step; then looking up to see where he is going.    As we walked to the stadium Saturday evening my husband and I decided that our return to the hotel would need to be by taxi.  I could not bear the thought of seeing my father fall and get hurt.  After the game we expressed our desire to grab a taxi back, but Dad adamantly refuse; expressing how ridiculous it would be to pay for a taxi to take us 5 blocks and that he would NOT be going in a taxi.  So we scuffed our way back to the hotel along with crowd of people.  In trying to be respectful to my parents, I struggle sometimes in communicating with them.  My parents are set in their ways and they prefer the comfort of their routine.  So when my Dad says, he wants to eat at the ballpark instead of a nice downtown restaurant, I find myself disappointed but obliging him at my husband’s dismay. 

 

Sunday morning early my husband and I went over to the Arch and paid for a Trip to the Top.  My parents have been to the Arch many times; in fact they could remember going to see the construction site right before the Arch was finished in 1965. The Gateway to the West is an amazing manmade structural accomplishment and I think it is a fabulous marvel.   It was surreal as I stood inside the top of that structure and looked down upon the city of St. Louis and the Mississippi River.   There are many fabulous structures throughout the world but I highly recommend The St. Louis Arch as a Must See --it is absolutely an impressive structure in many ways. 

 

All in all it was a good trip.  My Dad did not have much to say, but I could tell he really enjoyed the game, mainly because the Cardinals won.   He thought the prices were outrageous, the “new” stadium was nice, and that this would be his last time to visit St. Louis and see a live Cardinals game.  Mom says Dad says everything is his “Last!” This mindset was a strange revelation for me, but I suppose understandable.  I can’t help but wonder if he is feeling ok, and I realize that he would never say if he wasn’t.  The trip took us about 5 hours’ drive time, and once we got checked into the hotel room, my Dad wanted to take a little nap before the game.  So I can’t help but wonder if he is really doing ok or maybe not.  I understand mentally that my parents are aged in their seventies and coming toward the end of their lives; but I don’t see them that way or think of them that way.  My Dad said that he never thought that he would live to see his seventies, and that he sees every day as a bonus!  Yes they look older and they move slower, and they repeat the same things over and over, but my parents will always be just Mom and Dad to me.   They have their own ideas about everything and don’t mind telling you, and they have little patience; for each other or anyone.  They live their lives truly one day at a time, almost in slow motion as the days go by.  I know that they will not always be around to giggle at or listen to them repeat the stories, so I try and just smile and acknowledge them.  My Mom was the BEST cook in the entire world, and my Dad was the smartest and strongest man I ever knew!  I saw them as perfect and lucky to have them as my parents.  In my maturity I have learned that my parents were not perfect or the best, strongest, or smartest…but they were all of that for me… THEY WERE PERFECT FOR ME! 

 

I try to visit my parents at least once a month every month.  I look forward to my visits but then I often leave feeling melancholy.  I am fortunate that my parents are in fairly good health despite the fact that they do not trust doctors.  I am glad that we had this time together this past weekend, and that I was able to provide a nice outing for them.  They have a mini farm where they live and they refuse to be away for more than one night because of the chickens & roosters, but I think it is good for them to get away from there from time to time.  Living my life with addiction, I try to maintain a mental awareness that tomorrow is not promised for any of us, and that also helps me with my aging parents.  I hope to have many days in the future with them, but we will always have our memories of last weekend together despite what tomorrow brings.