Another "Mother's Day"

I don’t get too hung up on “Mother’s Day” stuff! It has never been a big deal to me other than to be sure that I get my mother’s card to her on time! I did not get a Mother's Day card from any of my kids or grandkids, but I had a GREAT Mother's Day!

When my parents decided to retire to Florida, I had to approach Mother’s Day a week ahead of time, or my card would be late, and heaven forbid my card be late for any occasion! My father has a special way about him where he can make me feel so horrible about things like that.
‘Well, it only take a few moments to put a card in the mail, you would think that would not be too much to ask, but I guess it is.’ And he is correct!
Now, that my parents have moved back to Tennessee to be close to my brother I can usually arrange to visit them on special occasions. Knowing that their health will probably soon begin to fail as they continue to age, I want to be with them when I can more these days. I respect both of my parents for many different reasons, and of course I love them dearly. My husband and I made the two hour drive to spend the day with them Saturday before Mother’s Day. We went out to lunch; my daughter drove down also so we all had a nice visit. I took my Mom shopping to the local mall, mainly because she only shops Wal-Mart and Goodwill which I think is great, and I shop there too, but I wanted her to have a nice outfit to have for the summer. She would only allow me to purchase things that were on sale and “a good bargain”, but we did manage to find a few things for her. We had a nice visit; my father noticed how much weight I have gain since I quit smoking! HA! Thanks Dad!

So I had Sunday-Mother’s Day- to spend with my husband! Our Mother’s Day tradition has been to sleep in, have breakfast and hit the golf course! I am not a very good golf player (golfer…whatever), but one thing that does NOT help my golf game is having people playing behind me. I don’t like to be rushed, nor do I like for people to see me take a ‘mulligan’. Our first year together my husband made it clear to me that I was NOT his mother! We joke about that now, but I have certainly had to be a Mother to all of his 5 children, just as he has been a wonderful Father to my 2 children, he got me a really nice card! On Mother’s Day most golf courses don’t get the early morning golfers. I guess they feel the need to be with their Mother’s or wives, so we usually have the course all to our self. This year was no different, the weather was beautiful, and I actually hit the ball well on most holes. I only had major trouble on one hole, in one sand trap where I ended up not finishing that hole! I have a little bit of a temper where that little white ball is concerned. I had a really wonderful weekend!

We head out on our 12 day vacation this coming weekend. I am very excited as we have been planning this trip since December. No doubt I will return with funny stories to tell, and hopefully some of my son’s challenges will be complete as well. He has two court appearances that he must address and his future and outcome is uncertain. I was able to spend a little time with him yesterday and he certainly was upbeat. He seemed very clear minded and in a very good mood. He ate well, which is always a good sign, and was pleasant and helpful. We allow him to come to our home and do his laundry each week and we always offer him food while he is with us. He still has the same job that he got back in March of this year, he has not asked for anything from us in weeks, and certainly seems to be doing a little better with his… life with addiction. It’s not much, but we have no expectations and just live by the boundaries we have in place for him and for ourselves. I love my son so very much, but I cannot live HIS life for him!

I hope you all had a nice weekend and if you did not have the best of weekends, don’t give up! Most of the time our happiness is really just up to us, the hardest part is figuring that out! Nothing has to be perfect, but everything should be on your terms and what YOU need in order to find JOY!
Happy Belated Mother’s Day to all the Mother’s out there; and all the Father’s too!

Purpose and Struggle

My husband purchased a book for us to read together which asked; what is your purpose in life? This one little question sure got me thinking about a whole lot of stuff, and here are a few things that crossed my mind.
To continue writing this blog, I must believe that I have something to say for someone somewhere, some day. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but someday something that I feel necessary to share on this blog might help someone else in this world. This blog is certainly not my purpose in life, but the main reason I began writing was to help someone else as other bloggers have helped me.

My Religious association -- for the record—is converted Catholic. In my childhood I was baptized Methodist (Catholic Light, as my husband likes to say) so I am a person of faith, a Christian. Over the years I have had some struggle with my faith, but I have never wanted to let go for any reason.
Looking back at my childhood, I feel that at least part of my purpose (if not all) was completely out of my hands and not about me. As a daughter, my purpose was for my parents not for me. I will be forever grateful that I had purpose for them! Some children are NOT wanted, loved, enjoyed, or cherished by their biological parents. My parents were not perfect, but I did feel loved and I was very well cared for.

I myself was reluctant to become a mother; in fact at 18 years of age my self-professed future was to be childless, much to my mother’s dismay. Growing up in the Cold War era of the 60’s I found the world to be a very scary place. I thought the leaders of the world at that time to be less than kind and I was constantly on the lookout for a CD (Civil Defense) Shelter. At age 6, I knew the difference between a tornado and atomic bomb, but the school drills were exactly the same. The thought of annihilation at the push of a button was a hard pill to swallow for an innocent six year old. As a young woman I was determined NOT to bring another innocent child into this awful world just to have them live in fear of and/or experience a total apocalypse at the hands of man. Despite my wishes and desires concerning motherhood other plans were in the works for me and my family. For someone who did not want children I managed to have two children back to back within 14 months of each other less than 2 years after I was married.
In 1983, with new found motherhood, I discovered what I believed at that time to be my purpose in life, and I was ALL IN. I took to motherhood naturally and completely as many parents do with little difficulty. I had never truly known or understood unconditional love until I became a mother. I am forever grateful that my desire to be childless did NOT come true! I took what I thought to be my life’s purpose seriously and strived for perfection. I managed parenthood/motherhood with no self confidence, while surviving divorce and alienation by my family. I failed miserably at times and other times the joy and love I felt was overwhelming. So for about 20 years of my life I felt that I knew what my life’s purpose was even with all my mistakes. My children are older and out on their own now and occasionally ask for advice, but for the most part they do not NEED their Mother on a daily basis and remind me of such. Could it be that I no longer have purpose? Or maybe I was just confused and motherhood was NOT my purpose in life after all. Motherhood could have been just an accident; after all I had not planned on children. Or, maybe we have multiple purposes in life as we age and maneuver life. Or maybe no one has a purpose, we are all just here.
So many questions, so many thoughts, so many feelings that I am feeling. I find myself wondering about things that have little to do with my day to day life. Do we have to feel we have a purpose in life for our life to have meaning or worth? Maybe how we manage our life and the ups and down, maybe that is our “purpose”? I do not know!

In the midst of difficulty, fear, or confusion about a situation Psychologist will suggest putting your focus on yourself and not the other party or situation. To focus on how I feel and by expressing my feelings I can keep the focus on ME. I feel mad; I feel sad; I feel hurt; etc. I can have whatever feelings I have because they are my feelings, they are neither right nor wrong they are my feelings. Also, in Al-Anon/Nar-Anon the focus is to be removed from your loved one and placed on YOU. Your feelings, your concerns, what YOU want to do, etc. So I have all these wonderful techniques in order to focus on ME and what is going on with me, but I feel I am still a drift. I feel confused. I often just want to BE and not think so much about ME!

In every life there is some struggle of some sort, this is just a part of life from what I have witnessed so far. My son is struggling with his heroin addiction and he shall overcome this demon disease or it will control him or kill him. My work associate is fighting cancer that could end her life. My daughter is fighting to stay independent on her own now that her roommate has moved out of their house. My parents are struggling to keep their 50 year marriage to each other civil in the twilight of their lives.
Maybe it is enough just to make it through this life without allowing hate to live inside us. Maybe it can be enough to have LOVE as a focus in life and to try and give LOVE every day. For me, I have to get out of my own head sometimes. I think too much about so many things that regardless of how fascinating they may be they have nothing to do with my life or my struggles.

I take every day on faith that I will wake up and get a “do over”, and when I lay down at night I try to figure out how I need to improve on tomorrow, and how to always be grateful for what I have. Some days I forget to be grateful because I am consumed by other thoughts. Because I realize that one day I will NOT get a “do-over”, I do not ever want to forget to be grateful for everyday!

Directions

Addiction, death, and now murder?

I was so fearful that my son would die I went in search of healing for him, but what I found was understanding, compassion, knowledge, and healing for ME!
As a mother I of course blamed myself, I must have done something to raise him this way; for him to want to escape reality, be a bum and do drugs all the time. Just as my son did not choose this for himself, I did not make him “that way”.
My son did not decide to become a heroin addict; I believe that addiction was lying dormant in his brain. When my son tried his first cigarette, and then his first beer, it began. Slowly at first but then it progressed, then wine, whiskey, pot, pills. Like…that beer was good, but that pill was better. Progression is part of the disease, and now my son has found his way to heroin.
For an alcoholic, they do not start out drinking in the morning or drinking mass volumes of alcohol right away, it begins slowly and then increases, the disease progresses. I do not believe that any substance is a gateway to another. If orange juice provided the same response to an addicts brain that heroin does, orange juice would be the means by which an addict would find a release for his disease. I believe that the disease is not in the heroin, but is hard wired in the brain. My son’s brain tells him that his ONLY need in life right now is heroin, getting heroin and using heroin. You can replace the word heroin with different substances or even behaviors.
Anyone who has been given morphine in hospital has had a substance very similar to heroin but those people are not discharged from hospital as heroin addicts. Millions of people can enjoy a glass of wine with dinner and not become an alcoholic. It is the compulsion, the mental desire that makes an addict keep using over and over and over. Side effects of the drug or behavior of choice can create additional problems. Over doses, legal issues, physical side effects. But, all addicts suffer mental anguish of addiction regardless of the substance or behavior. The feeling of never being satisfied, without that substance or behavior, that is the essence of the addicted brain.
I heard a well know recovering alcoholic say once that he sure was glad he never tried drugs, because he no doubt would have been a drug addict instead of an alcoholic. He of course is making light of his struggle with addiction. For Alcoholics their drug of choice is legal to posses, readily available, and socially acceptable.
There is a stigma that comes with the word “Addiction” a stigma of “Choice”. Just as no one chooses Cancer, no one chooses Addiction. Just as certain activities can increase your chances for Cancer, smoking, tanning, etc. there are also certain activities that can increase your chances for Addiction, but I don’t see any PSA teaching that on my television.
There are no warning signs and there are no laboratory tests. Addiction is a recoverable disease, but it can also kill. One of the most successful treatments for addiction, once an addict has found sobriety and is looking for abstinence, has been The 12 Step Program. The 12 step Program can help anyone, and I happen to think that it is a wonderful tool for LIFE. The 12 steps alone cannot cure someone who suffers from addiction but it has certainly helped millions of addicts take control of their disease. I am not an addict, my son is. We (he and our family) are all just trying to find our way in life, and I can say that the Al-Anon steps have certainly helped me, and continue to do so.

But now everything has changed and someone has died, overdosed. Murder is being charged by our local police. Maybe the victim was not known as an intravenous drug user, and the accused being a known addict and “estranged” husband is why these charges have come about. This accused is a friend of my son’s, they have been friends since childhood and they both suffer from addiction. My son is involved somehow, has been subpoenaed and this whole situation is very upsetting. I just cannot imagine this young man being capable of first degree murder at all. I know that the stigma of addiction can carry with it irrational selfishness, but murder? Now a heroin over dose is murder in our town, and my son is involved. I am holding on to my calm here, I accept that there is nothing I can do to help either this young man, or my son. I just hope that the truth in this matter is sought out and found ---whatever that may be!

Nixon our rescue cat.

Update on Nixon the Cat…


With every new day Nixon becomes more and more comfortable in our family. His biggest fan so far is my husband despite the blobs of cat hair laying all around, his occasional moments up on my kitchen counters, and his sneaking into our bed during the night. But, NOW he has an obvious issue with our leather sofa. As we were having our breakfast the other morning, my husband noticed that the cat was sitting oddly on the leather sofa. As I went to investigate the cat dismounts and I find he has left behind a liquid substance. (Trying not to gross everyone out here)

OH NO, this will not do! I cannot and will not have a cat like this in my house; something will have to be done about this. My husband is pushing back saying that he is already attached to this cat and we will figure something out. Does anyone have any suggestions here? If he does this once my opinion is he will do it again. Luckily this happened on my leather couch which was fairly easy to clean right away, but if this happens on a rug or any other fabric surface I just know I will come unglued!

Also this cat is very loving in the mornings. This too is causing me some issue because now I have cat hair all on the legs of my pants where he rubs himself against me if I am not petting or brushing him. So there is that too! I have already told my vet that we may have to find another home for him as he may not be working out. I can live with the cat hair, I knew he was a long haired cat when I agreed to take him, but the other is NOT negotiable for me.