Purpose and Struggle

My husband purchased a book for us to read together which asked; what is your purpose in life? This one little question sure got me thinking about a whole lot of stuff, and here are a few things that crossed my mind.
To continue writing this blog, I must believe that I have something to say for someone somewhere, some day. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but someday something that I feel necessary to share on this blog might help someone else in this world. This blog is certainly not my purpose in life, but the main reason I began writing was to help someone else as other bloggers have helped me.

My Religious association -- for the record—is converted Catholic. In my childhood I was baptized Methodist (Catholic Light, as my husband likes to say) so I am a person of faith, a Christian. Over the years I have had some struggle with my faith, but I have never wanted to let go for any reason.
Looking back at my childhood, I feel that at least part of my purpose (if not all) was completely out of my hands and not about me. As a daughter, my purpose was for my parents not for me. I will be forever grateful that I had purpose for them! Some children are NOT wanted, loved, enjoyed, or cherished by their biological parents. My parents were not perfect, but I did feel loved and I was very well cared for.

I myself was reluctant to become a mother; in fact at 18 years of age my self-professed future was to be childless, much to my mother’s dismay. Growing up in the Cold War era of the 60’s I found the world to be a very scary place. I thought the leaders of the world at that time to be less than kind and I was constantly on the lookout for a CD (Civil Defense) Shelter. At age 6, I knew the difference between a tornado and atomic bomb, but the school drills were exactly the same. The thought of annihilation at the push of a button was a hard pill to swallow for an innocent six year old. As a young woman I was determined NOT to bring another innocent child into this awful world just to have them live in fear of and/or experience a total apocalypse at the hands of man. Despite my wishes and desires concerning motherhood other plans were in the works for me and my family. For someone who did not want children I managed to have two children back to back within 14 months of each other less than 2 years after I was married.
In 1983, with new found motherhood, I discovered what I believed at that time to be my purpose in life, and I was ALL IN. I took to motherhood naturally and completely as many parents do with little difficulty. I had never truly known or understood unconditional love until I became a mother. I am forever grateful that my desire to be childless did NOT come true! I took what I thought to be my life’s purpose seriously and strived for perfection. I managed parenthood/motherhood with no self confidence, while surviving divorce and alienation by my family. I failed miserably at times and other times the joy and love I felt was overwhelming. So for about 20 years of my life I felt that I knew what my life’s purpose was even with all my mistakes. My children are older and out on their own now and occasionally ask for advice, but for the most part they do not NEED their Mother on a daily basis and remind me of such. Could it be that I no longer have purpose? Or maybe I was just confused and motherhood was NOT my purpose in life after all. Motherhood could have been just an accident; after all I had not planned on children. Or, maybe we have multiple purposes in life as we age and maneuver life. Or maybe no one has a purpose, we are all just here.
So many questions, so many thoughts, so many feelings that I am feeling. I find myself wondering about things that have little to do with my day to day life. Do we have to feel we have a purpose in life for our life to have meaning or worth? Maybe how we manage our life and the ups and down, maybe that is our “purpose”? I do not know!

In the midst of difficulty, fear, or confusion about a situation Psychologist will suggest putting your focus on yourself and not the other party or situation. To focus on how I feel and by expressing my feelings I can keep the focus on ME. I feel mad; I feel sad; I feel hurt; etc. I can have whatever feelings I have because they are my feelings, they are neither right nor wrong they are my feelings. Also, in Al-Anon/Nar-Anon the focus is to be removed from your loved one and placed on YOU. Your feelings, your concerns, what YOU want to do, etc. So I have all these wonderful techniques in order to focus on ME and what is going on with me, but I feel I am still a drift. I feel confused. I often just want to BE and not think so much about ME!

In every life there is some struggle of some sort, this is just a part of life from what I have witnessed so far. My son is struggling with his heroin addiction and he shall overcome this demon disease or it will control him or kill him. My work associate is fighting cancer that could end her life. My daughter is fighting to stay independent on her own now that her roommate has moved out of their house. My parents are struggling to keep their 50 year marriage to each other civil in the twilight of their lives.
Maybe it is enough just to make it through this life without allowing hate to live inside us. Maybe it can be enough to have LOVE as a focus in life and to try and give LOVE every day. For me, I have to get out of my own head sometimes. I think too much about so many things that regardless of how fascinating they may be they have nothing to do with my life or my struggles.

I take every day on faith that I will wake up and get a “do over”, and when I lay down at night I try to figure out how I need to improve on tomorrow, and how to always be grateful for what I have. Some days I forget to be grateful because I am consumed by other thoughts. Because I realize that one day I will NOT get a “do-over”, I do not ever want to forget to be grateful for everyday!