My son who is currently in remission/recovery has been clean for 4 months, and I know that does not sound like a very long time, but for an addict that is a substantial amount of time when you consider they are going for one day at a time. Almost every day I wonder how he is doing, how he is feeling and what is going on with his life. He is living on his own in a Sober Living home about 2 hours away, and he has said on more than one occasion that he really likes living there. I am very proud of him! I am a mother of an addict.
I have read books, blogs, websites, literature, and pamphlets. I have prayed, yelled, cried, screamed, whispered, and begged for understand and help. I have enabled, ignored, supported, helped, always loved, and advocated for him countless times. I do what I do. It is not always the right thing or the best thing, but I do what I do. He knows that I love him and that his family loves him. We know that although our love is wanted, appreciated, and reciprocated, our love can’t help him stay clean. Only he can do the necessary day in day out routines to stay clean and alive. And it is a daily process for sure, one day at a time. I admit that I worry sometimes—but then I remind myself that my son’s life is his to live however he chooses, not mine. I am a mother of an addict.
I made a lot of mistakes as a young mother, single mother, and parent. I made lots of terrible choices in my life too. But I also made some very good decision, righted many wrongs, changed my life’s focus, and set and achieved some pretty awesome goals in my life, and I am still going strong! I understand in my mind that I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it, but somewhere in my heart of hearts I do feel responsible. I can’t help but feel that way; I am a mother of an addict.
