A GOOD-BYE FOR NOW.... POST

I have made a decision to stop addressing my blog --Living Life with addiction.  I will for the rest of my life live life with addiction at the forefront, but for now anyway I am choosing not to continue to write about my life.

I am currently a full time employee, and a part time student, mother, wife, and daughter to aging parents, so I have a lot on my plate right now.  I may at some point find myself in a place where I feel that I have the time to renew my blog, but for right now I simply do not have the time.

My goal is to continue on my path of living my life as best I can one day at a time.  I choose to let my son live his life as best he can one day at a time as well! 

Living Life with Addiction at the forefront is a difficult task for anyone, but it can be done with happiness if you will allow for that and make that a priority in your life.

For anyone who has read or is reading my blog-I hope that by opening up my life as I see it in this very public forum has helped in some way or reveiled something helpful in some way!  That was my only goal with this blog to begin with.

One important discovery that I have made during my journey with addiction --is that all of my pre-conceived notions about how best to approach my loved one regarding his addiction was wrong. Just like every lesson in my life it seems, I had to learn about addiction the hard way--by thinking I knew what was best without due diligence and research.  If I can offer one word of advice it would be to research addiction like your life depended upon it!  There is so much new and helpful research being done of late that is helping to open up new dialogs for understanding and help with the stigma attached with addiction. Read and study with an open mind, and find that place where you can come to terms with what addiction is or what addiction  has done to your loved one in a way where you can simply LOVE them and not blame them for having this disease.  Let go of thinking that YOU can physically do anything to dismiss addiction from your loved ones life and focus on yourself and the love you share with them.  I am not an expert, nor do I play one on TV, but I have lived with addiction for the past 14 years of my life, and I have made many mistakes.

What I have found is that....Compassion, understanding, and love are the only things that will truly help you with living life with addiction. IMHO

Best Wishes!
Pam

I am a mother of an addict.

My son is an addict.  He has been struggling with addiction of one thing or another since he was 18 years old, maybe longer than that, but that is when I found out.  I am a mother of an addict.

My son who is currently in remission/recovery has been clean for 4 months, and I know that does not sound like a very long time, but for an addict that is a substantial amount of time when you consider they are going for one day at a time. Almost every day I wonder how he is doing, how he is feeling and what is going on with his life.  He is living on his own in a Sober Living home about 2 hours away, and he has said on more than one occasion that he really likes living there.  I am very proud of him!  I am a mother of an addict.

I have read books, blogs, websites, literature, and pamphlets.  I have prayed, yelled, cried, screamed, whispered, and begged for understand and help.  I have enabled, ignored, supported, helped, always loved, and advocated for him countless times.  I do what I do.  It is not always the right thing or the best thing, but I do what I do.  He knows that I love him and that his family loves him.  We know that although our love is wanted, appreciated, and reciprocated, our love can’t help him stay clean.  Only he can do the necessary day in day out routines to stay clean and alive.  And it is a daily process for sure, one day at a time.  I admit that I worry sometimes—but then I remind myself that my son’s life is his to live however he chooses, not mine.  I am a mother of an addict. 

I made a lot of mistakes as a young mother, single mother, and parent.  I made lots of terrible choices in my life too.  But I also made some very good decision, righted many wrongs, changed my life’s focus, and set and achieved some pretty awesome goals in my life, and I am still going strong!  I understand in my mind that I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it, but somewhere in my heart of hearts I do feel responsible.  I can’t help but feel that way; I am a mother of an addict.

The best thing that I can do for me and my son, and the rest of my family truly is to just let go and let my son live his life.  He has been through the recovery process multiple times; he knows what he must do to stay away from the drugs that call out to him, one day at a time.  If he needs me, he will call.  He knows he is loved and supported in recovery every day, and that is the best that I can do for both of us. I am a mother of an addict.

Twenty Fifteen

Fourteen days into the new year and I have said more than once…’this year is not starting off very well!’

My husband and I had a nice Anniversary getaway over the New Year Holiday, but when we returned home things began to take a challenging turn for me.

Before we got back home, child #5 of 7 informed us that she had failed to make arrangements for her student loans for the Spring Semester, and that without our help she was going to be forced to drop out of college.  If only she had told us before we went on vacation we could have used our saved vacation $ to help her!  Tuition money for higher education is NOT part of our monthly budget, and we have explain this to all of our seven children. 

On Jan 6th I began a bout of vertigo, which I am still dealing with.  It is a week later and although the symptoms are not as severe as they were, they are still disabling.  The onset happened at work and all I could do that day was sit in the bathroom floor with my eyes covered and my head down, as fellow employees entered and exited asking if they could help in any way.  I was mortified, but I could not move for fear of throwing up.  My husband was working out of town, and it took him over and hour to come and pick me up from work.  Once he got me home I sleep for over 20 hours, and I was able to go to the doctor the next day.  The symptoms still come and go and last anywhere from 30 minutes to 6 hours, but I feel I am getting a little better every day.

Our main heating unit on our house has gone out again.  We had an issue with this unit last winter and spent over $1000.00 on the repair.  Who knows what the diagnosis will be this time, we are still waiting on a technician to inspect the unit.                                  










Our old cat Jack, who is about 10 years old, is not acting well.  It has been colder than usual so I am hoping that it’s just the cold weather that has him down and out these days.

I found out just last week that a good friend of mine’s son has been struggling with addiction issues for quite some time, and she just now shared that with me.  I have always been open and honest and shared with her about my son’s addiction problems, but for whatever reason she did not feel she could share with me.  This has made me very sad these last few days for many reasons.

So needless to say, I have had a few challenges early on this year so far.  But along with all of that I have many other great and wonderful things going on as well.  My son is still doing well living at a sober living house, he has been there almost 120 days.  He was able to make arrangements on his own for transportation to his probation meeting this month which was greatly appreciated by me.  My husband is doing well physically and emotionally with his work, and figuring out his diabetes diagnosis and Metformin.  And we were able to take our new baby to the beach for the first time, which was a lot of fun for all of us!

Probably the one thing that has really challenged me the most this New Year is coming to terms with my NON ADDICT child #3- issues with me.  I discovered that even though she is NOT an addict I must use my ALANON skills with her also.  In fact I have decided that I need to use my ALANON skills with every aspect of my life and relationships.  For whatever reason, stuff happens, people disappoint, and I make mistakes, and I have got to learn to let go of what I have NO control over.  A simple miscommunication that did not cause any big issue or problem in my mind, became a huge hurdle for this child, and it was all my fault.  Over and over again I had to hear about it Christmas Day, and then when I thought it was over and all forgiven, NO one last punishment just had to be delivered.  This final punishment was delivered last Sunday just as I was preparing to watch some of the Golden Globes (aka The Tina & Amy show).  To add insult to injury almost every winner made some wonderful and loving comment about their parents in their acceptance speeches, especially the guy who won for “Boyhood”, he said it best!  And Bless his heart, he will never know how much I appreciated his words!

He gave credit where it was due before thanking his parents “who gave me so much love and support.” Finally, “I want to dedicate this to parents that are evolving everywhere and families that are just passing through this world and doing their best.”  Thank you Mr. Linklater. Thank you!
I needed that!
Happy New Year Everyone!