Today is my daughter's Birthday and I celebrate her!

On the anniversary of TODAY-let the story be told;
She arrived right on time for me to behold!

Laughter filled the room and this love story began;
As a mother and daughter for the first time held hands.

Beyond all my dreams, and my hopes, and my knowing;
Was her spirit -my daughter -now this woman unfolding.

The joy that she beams and the goodness inside;
If you are lucky to know her you can smile with great pride.

As these words stream of thanksgiving from deep down in my soul;
Tears of great joy & wonder unexpectedly flow.

She is everything good and everything right
My daughter, my Cassie, my heart, and my light!


Happy 30th Birthday Baby Girl!
Mom

More Changes and Father's Day.

Nixon the Cat is doing well at the Golf Course. We had adopted him from the Humane Society but things did not work out. After 48 hours up in the top of a tree, probably the work of our other cat Jack, we felt we had no choice but to re-home him once he found his way down safely. Our friends at the golf course offered to take him after they heard our story. So far so good according to our friends, and I hope that he is enjoying his new home!

We have another New Addition to our family. A puppy I named Charlotte. Last Saturday I went to a rescue and picked out a puppy to foster. We will attempt to potty train, socialize, and help vet this little pup, with the understanding that we have first choice at adoption if all goes well. She is 10 weeks old with a sensational appetite. She needs to work on her manners a little bit, but all in all she is a joy. My husband could not be happier because I will now shut up about wanting a dog.

My husband has changed jobs again, and this time I actually feel pretty good about the change. He received an offer which was a much deserved promotion in his field. I am so proud for him. He is the hardest working person I have ever known, he deserves this and so much more!

Father’s Day has come and gone since my last blog, and I would be amiss if I did not acknowledge the Father’s that have impacted my life.

First; My Father-- Whose life plan took a u-turn from what he thought it would be long ago. My father you see was a natural athlete and excelled in every sport, but Football was his first love. He was offered a full ride sports scholarship out of high school and was going to quarterback for UVA. But as fate would have it, things took a turn with a devastating and life changing knee injury in 1955. He lost his scholarship and was forced to drop out of college and join the Air Force. After he finished his military charge, he returned to college with the GI Bill and a part time job in retail. He was back on track to find his way back into sports as a teacher and coach. But yet again fate stepped in and my father's life changed again. He was at work one day and saw my mother when she came to pick her brother up after work. He requested a meeting, they began dating, and before you knew it, they were starting a family. Teaching and coaching was still on the horizon, but now with two more mouths to feed my father had to find a more immediate way to make more money, and that meant he would have to go to school less. His employer obliged him with fulltime employment along with opportunities for advancement; which lead him to a very lucrative thirty-five year tenure with a major retailer. He provided for our family without waiver, took me to church with him every Sunday, and made sure I not only meet my relatives but I knew them. He is now about to turn 77 and has become quite frail but still manages to work in the yard and garden every day and make church every Sunday. I love my father with all my heart, I miss him being young, but I am so grateful to still have him with me. I went to visit with him and my mother this past weekend, we went out to lunch together and I gave him a card. It never seems enough for a man who did what he had to do to take care of his own. Few men today do what my father did with the grace and kindness that he possessed. Fate blessed me with both of my parents!

Second; My Husband-- I so wish I had children with this man. He is by far the most reasonable and understanding man I have ever known. He rarely shows his emotions, but I can feel him. He is absolutely the most generous person I have ever known, and also the hardest working man ever. He will do anything for the ones he loves; he is filled with compassion for all, and makes no apologies for his heart. I love this man like I have never loved another, above all and with all that I am.

Third; The Father of my Children-- This man gave me the gift of knowing unconditional love through the birth of my two children, and for that I will always be grateful. I think he did the best he could as a father and he loves them both very much. I wish our family had been less toxic together; but we managed to overcome that by coming apart, and we are all better for that. He and I were way too young to understand so much about ourselves let alone about life.

Happy belated Father’s Day to all the “Stand Up” guys out there who did what they had to do!

Mama Bear

My story is just one of many real life stories out there today - unfathomable by some, relatable by others. My story is a sad tale of truth about the scourge of Addiction on people from all walks of life; and those who love them. I like to think of myself as a reasonable person of above average intelligence who is both open minded and accepting in general. However, when I came to learn that my son was a heroin addict; there was nothing reasonable, open minded, or acceptable about that information as far as my “above average intelligence” could see!

Today I understand that my story is not unique, I am one of many, I am not alone and my story is NOT special. I know so many other mothers’ that suffer this same burden. Then there are the children, the lovers, the friends; the spouses and siblings and the addicts themselves. Also I can’t help but think about the recovery workers who pour their whole lives and souls into trying to help our loved ones. So many recovery workers have their own story to tell of how they were drawn to their calling. Just like that…I feel very small and insignificant because I am just another mother whose child is an addict.

My son has been fighting his battle with addiction for over 10 years now. I have certainly had my highs and lows during that time. But it’s not just me who suffers, my son has many other people who love him and care about him. Probably first and foremost are his children, when they were younger we explained his absences by telling them that Daddy was sick, but once they got older that story produced more questions, and we felt that they deserved to know more. Daddy was indeed sick, but it was a special disease that had no cure, and that Daddy may not ever get better. It was the truth but hard to say, and even harder for them to hear. I am not sure they fully understand, but then again sometimes I don’t understand all aspects of this disease either.


Discovering that my son is an addict was at first a difficult and very scary place to be no matter how many may have gone before me. I immediately became this mama bear trying to protect my cub, growling and showing my teeth, standing up ready to fight. Then, I became a psychoanalysis explaining to myself and anyone who would listen to me- how this happened and how to fix it and make it simply go away. It wasn’t long after that I became very sick. I was depressed without hope; nothing and nobody could help me as I fell deeper and deeper into the abyss of my own self pity. I was broken on the inside and nothing was working out like I thought. I was lower than I think I have ever been in my entire life. I had struggled with depression before, but that was about my choices, my life, my situation; this was about my baby boy! No matter what I did, I could not fix him or help him. It even seemed that when I tried to help he got worse. I was cursed! I wanted to die! WHY?-I asked. Nothing made sense! His words, my actions, the promises, our tears; none of it made sense.We fear what we don’t understand and sometimes fear can cause us to lash out, like the mama bear.

Whatever is not considered normal or acceptable in society is ignored or ostracized, ridiculed, and bullied. Even very young children will participate in this type of behavior. Compassion only seems to come just after we need it! I have always loved my son dearly, but I had very little compassion for my son’s disease at first because I thought that his addiction was more of a hobby than a disease of the brain. My conclusions were based upon what I had been told, what I had seen, and what little I had read. I felt like my son had just got mixed up with the wrong people. I thought that he was just messing around trying out drugs and alcohol for fun, being young and dumb. I thought I already knew all about it. And let’s face it if you are not directly affected by addiction, why would you even care to look deeper or get a second opinion? But after 10 years of watching him make strides and improve, just to fall back down again time after time, well this was not just fun and messing around! There was more to this, and I needed a second opinion because I realized I didn’t know anything anymore.

There is such disgrace associated with addiction in society. The addict is the villain, the rogue, a contemptible person that deserves no compassion. Why can’t there be compassion for these people who suffer from this horrid disease? Addiction has been substantiated by the medical community as a disease, but society just can’t get past the stigma, the stereotypical mindset.

Addiction is not pleasant or easy to understand, it is ugly and rude, it lies and is completely selfish, it is relentless and a killer. Addiction can take the sweetest person or child and turn them into a shadow of the person you once knew. Addiction is random in who it effects, all races, creeds, genders, neither the rich nor poor are immune. Addiction is heartless, difficult to control, and never ending once it begins. Addiction is a lot of things, but one thing it is not; is hopeless. Addiction can be controlled, and those who suffer from it can find their way to remission and recovery and lead happy and fulfilling lives. The remission and recovery began today for thousands, and it continues on today for thousands more. If they can do it, then anyone can do it as long as they believe in themselves and reach out for help.

I continue on with the hope that my son one day very soon will reach out for help and begin again down the road of recovery. As my story continues, day by day I hold on to that hope just like so many others.

Just a few random thoughts I have had this week! Thanks for reading!

Back to reality

Well, it feels like I have been away for months when it has only been a couple of weeks. My husband and I had a wonderful week vacation at the Gulf of Mexico. It was just the two of us for 8 days and 7 nights! A much needed retreat. While there I felt complete peace of mind staring at the waves come in and go out, over and over again; just the sound of ocean in background had a calming effect upon me. Some say it is similar to the sound we hear in our mother’s womb before we are born, but whatever the reason I find myself drawn to the ocean.

When we returned home it seemed that our lives went from slow motion silent love story to a double time action packed drama. We decided while we were away that we would purchase a boat and so when we returned everything fell into place for that to happen and we are very happy with our choice. On our way home, literally while we were driving down the road, my husband was offered a very substantial and much deserved promotion with a former employer. We discussed the pros and cons all the way home, and finally after much consideration we decided that he should accept the challenging position. With changing jobs we had to change our vehicle situation, my husband will lose his company car, so we began the never pleasant task of car shopping. Benefit changes, vehicle changes, becoming boat owners, a hectic first week back from vacation NO DOUBT! Back to reality we come.

Now, things have settled a bit, and I have finally found myself with time to reflect on the past couple of weeks and what all has transpired.

Before our vacation began, we discovered firsthand that the stigma of addiction is alive and well in our community, even among people that we once considered “friends”. We (our family) have certainly felt the brutality that goes along with that stigma. My son is involved as a witness in what initially was a drug overdose, now turned murder trial. Junkie, loser, lowlife, piece of ____, worthless; just a few of the words used to not only describe my son’s friend who is being charged with first degree murder, but also my son. They are considered less than a normal human being in our community because they are drug addicts. They are presumed guilty by much of the general public because they are drug addicts, even though the victim was also a struggling addict.

I do not presume to know either way. I can only hope that the truth comes out and that this is not just a witch hunt brought on by grief, revenge, quotas, elections or drug gangs. There is NO compassion in our society for those who suffer with addiction! Part of the reason I write this blog is to show compassion for my son who is an addict. Addiction is truly a disabling disease and condition, not a choice. My son did not choose to become a drug addict! Many times he makes choices based upon the control the addiction has on his brain, but this is NOT a life he chose. Watching him waste away in addiction is like watching him try to swim across an ocean. The first time he went swimming it was unlike anything he had ever experienced. A lot of people like to swim but they don’t become obcessed with swimming like he has. He loves swimming so much that swimming slowly took over control of all reasonable thought. He started out slowly occasionally in, pools, lakes and rivers, (cigarettes, alcohol and pills), but now he is swimming in the ocean (heroin) and can’t figure out how to get out of the water. He use to love swimming and having a good time, but he hates swimming now but can’t make himself stop. Sometimes he seems to be doing well, he starts to swim to the shore but then something happens and he begins to struggle to stay above water let alone swim. The shore seems like it is too far away and he just can’t make it no matter what he does. I can’t help him; I can throw him a life line, but after a while he will let go of it thinking he doesn’t need it. As I watch in horror from the boat or land as my child tries to keep swimming, I know that unless he gets completely out of the water he will not survive this, but he just keeps on trying to swim, he just can’t seem to get out of the water. The water is calling to him constantly demanding him to swim and swim and swim, until one day when his body can’t take it any longer, and he disappear in the ocean.

This analogy of addiction was probably subconsciously brought on by my recent trip to the coast, but for whatever reason it makes sense to me. I know my son is slowly drowning in something bigger and stronger that me and the love I have for my son. I will continue to throw him a lifeline if he ask and sometimes even when he doesn’t ask, never giving up hope that my son will be able to yet again pull himself from the waters. I also realize that if he doesn’t he will die, and if he does he will wish he was dead at some future point, and he will always struggle with the ocean calling for him to come and swim again. But, I don’t give up! I believe that somewhere deep down inside my son he is trying to find the strength to overcome that desire to swim. He has done it before. He was in recovery for over three years at one point, he can do this, but that is up to him and him alone. All I can do is watch and be there, and not give up on him.

No one knows what tomorrow may bring, or the rest of today for that matter. I try very hard to not focus on the “what if’s?” and “maybe’s” and just live in the now. In the next few post I want to share some of the wonderful adventures I had while on vacation, and hopefully we will continue on having new adventures with our new boat I hope to share as well!
Thanks for reading!

Vacation photos