Stages

I see addiction as a disease that has many “stages”. Many times I will hear people talk about the stages of Cancer, and I think of the disease of addiction the same way for my son and our family.


Stage I: The first realization of the illness. The Diagnosis.

I failed to do my part to really learn about this horrible disease, thinking I knew what addiction was and how it would affect us. The Stigma, the cover-up, the denial, the hurt, the sadness.

Stage II: Initial treatment, the success and the failures, “the weeping and gnashing of teeth”.

For some, this is where treatment can begin, take hold, and remission begins.

Stage III: Slip up’s, relapses, heartbreak, lost hope, regained hope, enabling, detaching, tough love, questions, tears, pain, love, honesty, lying, understanding, compassion.

The disease is progressing. This is a place of ups and downs; remission is lost but NOT forgotten.

Stage IV: Preparing for the worse, but hoping for the best.

Never giving up hope and never losing sight of unconditional love.



I see remission of the disease of addiction as the ultimate goal for my loved one and for all addicts. Just like with other diseases, remission can be random and not guaranteed. If ignored, if the disease is not managed into remission, the disease will “win” and end the life that it has attacked. Years of remission and sobriety cannot prevent the disease from sneaking back into to full blown active status. Vigilance and acceptance of a life long journey with addiction is so absolutely necessary. Which can explain (for me) why some can go through rehab and successfully achieve remission, and others cannot. This also explains for me how after years of successful remission, one day the disease can rebound with a fury, as if no treatment was ever done to begin with. The starting over process seems even more difficult and challenging than the very first time recovery is approached, a new found shame is at hand.

My son was in remission for four years, after a very lengthy and difficult battle. Upon his initial diagnosis, his treatment was accepted by him and granted by the State/County Judicial System. There was no cost, other than hefty fines and court cost, and it was a success it seemed even though we all knew how fragile he was upon his release, after almost a year away.

When we found out that my son’s disease was back again with a vengeance, none of us were sure exactly when and how it happened. Three years ago, we began to see the signs of possible relapse, but my son refused to admit that his disease had regained strength. Just little more than10 months ago my son finally admitted his powerlessness and checked himself into a detox facility to begin renewed treatment for his disease. Based upon his health insurance restrictions, he was allowed 3 days detox and 7 days rehab before he was released to an AA sober living house. He relapsed less than 48 hours later and has been in active addiction since then.

The hardest part of his relapse is this time has been his reluctance to reconsider a treatment that previous failed him. He is being fooled by his disease to think that “he” has control over the disease. He refuses to believe that rehabilitation can offer any “New” information on how he needs to “treat” his disease. It certainly seems that he is bouncing between stage III and stage IV.

I find that Living just for today (one day at a time) helps to ease the burden of the ‘What if’s’ of this disease. I often just want to hug him tight, holding him for as long as I possibly can so that the love I have inside me for him will magically transport between our bodies so that he can feel it.

I am finishing up a wonderfully enlightening book about addiction, ‘In the Realm of Hungry Ghost’ by Gabor Mate, MD.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who either admits they Do NOT understand the disease of addiction, or anyone who thinks they DO understand the disease of addiction. Parts of this book are difficult to read as a mother who loves her son and feels that she did the “best she knew how” to raise him. But I suggest that if you do decide to read this book that you read on past the hard parts, the parts you disagree with, and the parts that piss you off. Read the entire book. This book has helped me tremendously to come to terms with my son’s disease and what I can do to stay focused on how to best love my son as addict.

I am no expert on addiction; these are just a few of my thoughts and feeling on living my life with addiction.

It’s Birthday Week at our house. (That sounds more exciting than it really is.) My husband’s birthday is the day before mine and Valentine’s Day is 3 days after that, so we are full of “LOVE” a little more than usual this week it seems. My husband always gets me flowers and a funny card, and I just love that he is so thoughtful every year!


Birthdays don’t bother me anymore but they did when I was younger! Birthday #25 was a tough one I remember. I was married to a man who had anger management issues at that time, I had 2 small children, had dropped out of college, and I hated my job in retail. I can remember feeling so depressed that I had failed to achieve the goals I had set for myself by age 25. I was supposed to be single, recently graduated with a BS and in Law School. Isn’t it funny how LIFE has other plans?

This year (2014) marks my 52nd year of life and still no Law degree, or any degree for that matter. But I am right where I need to be I think. Looking back, my biggest regret is that I did not heed more of my parent’s advice. They certainly offered it to me as a young adult more often than I wanted. But OH NO… they couldn’t tell me anything, I knew better than them. I thought of them as “old school” and me as smarter and wiser. What a JOKE!

I have had significant trials in my life from a very young age, just like so many others, but I have always been able to figure out a way to stay positive and hopeful. Even when I was diagnosed with depression I use to say…’well, it can’t get much worse… Things have got to start looking up one day’, and they did. Learning how to forgive has been difficult but the most important lesson in life for me. I learned that my hardest personal struggles in life usually require forgiveness of some kind before I could heal, and most often it was forgiving me. Also, I have recently learned to stop worrying about things that have not happened yet. I have a very active imagination, and if I allow myself to project into the future there is never a happy ending that comes from that for anyone.

Older and Wiser? Nope, I won’t go that far, but I do see things differently. I don’t feel that I am as argumentative, even though I know my husband would argue that point. I have a renewed thirst for knowledge and health. I really enjoy reading now, and I believe that I not as gullible and naive as I once was.

My husband I will go out for dinner on each of our birthdays this year, which will be very nice! In years past with younger children in school and activities, we have not always been able to celebrate our birthdays with a nice meal out. One year we spent my birthday out of town at an all day long cheer competition, which was very loud and somewhat smelly. Last year we had a 50th Birthday party for my husband with lots of his friends and family over to remind him he was officially Over the Hill! He was very good natured about the whole thing and gracious that so many people came to wish him well. Several weeks ago, I took the initiative to plan a little getaway for my husband and me for Valentine’s Day. It is a surprise for him so all he knows is how to pack/dress and what time we are leaving! I have dinner reservations for Valentine’s night at a State Park Lodge where we will also stay for two nights. The day after Valentine’s we will be able to hike trails if the weather permits, and/or go treasure hunting at local thrift and junk shops. My hope is just to get away from the house for a couple of days and relax where NO ONE knows us.



My son was arrested last week, (2 felony charges) so we have had a tough week with lots of questions and decisions to make. The weekend will hopefully allow for a much needed distraction. With my son’s recent arrest I can’t help but hope that this may help him to move back toward recovery. This new development in my son’s life is a difficult situation for his young children. I know they are hurting and that they do not fully understand about “daddy’s disease” at ages 9 & 11. Heck, I don’t pretend to fully understand daddy’s disease, but I have suggested, to their mother and her parents, that the children should speak with a therapist.

I am surprisingly calm about this new addiction drama. There is no sense of urgency on my behalf to do anything, and I am willing to see how things turn out for him, and hope for the best. There is a certain relief knowing that he is safer in jail than on the streets, and that probably helps. Urgency is a big part of an active addict’s life, and I am glad that I am not participating this time. My grown daughter seems to think that I no longer care what happens to her brother because I will not engage the situation. I do care, but I recognize my lack of control over his situation and life. My son is almost 31 years old and we have been living with addiction for 12 years now. My husband thinks that I this is the “calm before the storm” for me, and he is worried that I will implode at some point. I do not see that as a possibility, I am not waiting for anything and I have no expectations. I have agreed to go to the arraignment only to keep my daughter from missing work to drive in from out of town. She insists that a family member needs to be present in order to really know what is what. Although I agreed to go and relay back what information I can witness, I do not intend upon speaking with my son or his court appointed public defender. The hearing is the day before my husband and I leave to go out of town, so my plan/hope is that I can leave all of that situation here, and still enjoy the weekend with my valentine.

I want to wish you a very happy Valentine’s Day, Presidents Day, and weekend.