Birthdays don’t bother me anymore but they did when I was younger! Birthday #25 was a tough one I remember. I was married to a man who had anger management issues at that time, I had 2 small children, had dropped out of college, and I hated my job in retail. I can remember feeling so depressed that I had failed to achieve the goals I had set for myself by age 25. I was supposed to be single, recently graduated with a BS and in Law School. Isn’t it funny how LIFE has other plans?
This year (2014) marks my 52nd year of life and still no Law degree, or any degree for that matter. But I am right where I need to be I think. Looking back, my biggest regret is that I did not heed more of my parent’s advice. They certainly offered it to me as a young adult more often than I wanted. But OH NO… they couldn’t tell me anything, I knew better than them. I thought of them as “old school” and me as smarter and wiser. What a JOKE!
I have had significant trials in my life from a very young age, just like so many others, but I have always been able to figure out a way to stay positive and hopeful. Even when I was diagnosed with depression I use to say…’well, it can’t get much worse… Things have got to start looking up one day’, and they did. Learning how to forgive has been difficult but the most important lesson in life for me. I learned that my hardest personal struggles in life usually require forgiveness of some kind before I could heal, and most often it was forgiving me. Also, I have recently learned to stop worrying about things that have not happened yet. I have a very active imagination, and if I allow myself to project into the future there is never a happy ending that comes from that for anyone.
Older and Wiser? Nope, I won’t go that far, but I do see things differently. I don’t feel that I am as argumentative, even though I know my husband would argue that point. I have a renewed thirst for knowledge and health. I really enjoy reading now, and I believe that I not as gullible and naive as I once was.
My husband I will go out for dinner on each of our birthdays this year, which will be very nice! In years past with younger children in school and activities, we have not always been able to celebrate our birthdays with a nice meal out. One year we spent my birthday out of town at an all day long cheer competition, which was very loud and somewhat smelly. Last year we had a 50th Birthday party for my husband with lots of his friends and family over to remind him he was officially Over the Hill! He was very good natured about the whole thing and gracious that so many people came to wish him well. Several weeks ago, I took the initiative to plan a little getaway for my husband and me for Valentine’s Day. It is a surprise for him so all he knows is how to pack/dress and what time we are leaving! I have dinner reservations for Valentine’s night at a State Park Lodge where we will also stay for two nights. The day after Valentine’s we will be able to hike trails if the weather permits, and/or go treasure hunting at local thrift and junk shops. My hope is just to get away from the house for a couple of days and relax where NO ONE knows us.
My son was arrested last week, (2 felony charges) so we have had a tough week with lots of questions and decisions to make. The weekend will hopefully allow for a much needed distraction. With my son’s recent arrest I can’t help but hope that this may help him to move back toward recovery. This new development in my son’s life is a difficult situation for his young children. I know they are hurting and that they do not fully understand about “daddy’s disease” at ages 9 & 11. Heck, I don’t pretend to fully understand daddy’s disease, but I have suggested, to their mother and her parents, that the children should speak with a therapist.
I am surprisingly calm about this new addiction drama. There is no sense of urgency on my behalf to do anything, and I am willing to see how things turn out for him, and hope for the best. There is a certain relief knowing that he is safer in jail than on the streets, and that probably helps. Urgency is a big part of an active addict’s life, and I am glad that I am not participating this time. My grown daughter seems to think that I no longer care what happens to her brother because I will not engage the situation. I do care, but I recognize my lack of control over his situation and life. My son is almost 31 years old and we have been living with addiction for 12 years now. My husband thinks that I this is the “calm before the storm” for me, and he is worried that I will implode at some point. I do not see that as a possibility, I am not waiting for anything and I have no expectations. I have agreed to go to the arraignment only to keep my daughter from missing work to drive in from out of town. She insists that a family member needs to be present in order to really know what is what. Although I agreed to go and relay back what information I can witness, I do not intend upon speaking with my son or his court appointed public defender. The hearing is the day before my husband and I leave to go out of town, so my plan/hope is that I can leave all of that situation here, and still enjoy the weekend with my valentine.
I want to wish you a very happy Valentine’s Day, Presidents Day, and weekend.
No comments:
Post a Comment