About ten years ago my husband and I bought an older home that sits on a double lot in town. The double lot has approximately 20 mature trees clustered upon less than two acres. There is no joy for my husband during the fall leaf drop. I help out sometimes but this time of the year tries my husband’s patience like nothing else. Some days my husband can work all day long getting up leaves and by dusk the same day you can hardly tell he has raked a single leaf. My husband dreads the coming of fall every year. For me there is a calm coolness of the air this time of year that I appreciate, even though I prefer warmer weather. With the change in seasons and thoughts of winter fast approaching, I can’t help but think about the coming of the holidays and family events that will no doubt test my boundaries and choices.
I have technically lived with addiction in my life for the past 30 years, but I am just now really beginning to learn a new way of living with addiction and love. I have come to accept that addiction will be a part of my life for the rest of my life because that is the cold hard truth! This truth (that I do not wish upon anyone) is also a part of my son’s life and my entire family’s life. Addiction is truly a “Family” disease.
Webster defines dis•ease
noun \di-ˈzēz\
: an illness that affects a person, animal, or plant : a condition that prevents the body or mind from working normally
: a problem that a person, group, organization, or society has and cannot stop
Many people (including myself previously) do not accept addiction as a disease, and certainly not a family disease. Early on when I first encountered addiction I thought that determination was the key. Willpower was all that was necessary and that if someone was an addict it was only because that was what they “wanted” to be. Today I believe something very different. I struggle with not knowing if my son is active in his heroin addiction or working his recovery. I do not see or speak to my son on any regular basis, not only because he does not reach out to me, but because I choose not to reach out to him either. I hold tight to things that I can find gratitude in that helps me take on every new day. I try to stay focused on improving myself and I know that I have a lot to work on. Realizing that I can only be responsible for my choices, I choose and work at being someone that my son and my family can see as calm, loving, honest and forgiving. I also find that nothing changes, if nothing changes.
To remain calm in the face of addiction is very hard for me at times. I try to incorporate yoga breathing techniques, especially at night when I have trouble getting to sleep that helps me find calm. I am learning, to ask myself; is this an honest reaction based in love and unselfishness? Or, am I disappointed and angry? I AM a work in progress and not perfect.
If I find myself not sure what the answer should be, I reserve the right to think about it and not be too quick to offer up an answer. If I wait before I speak, very often I find that I am happy that I did not respond right away and I make a better decision. “Let me think about that” has become my go to phrase. But then there are other times when my natural response does not require any words at all, because nothing I can say will make any difference. I am an emotional being, and it is ok to be emotional at times and often that will bring me to a place of calm.
This past Thanksgiving celebration with my family was held at my parent’s home. I was happy not to have to cook the entire meal, but I was also very leery of going there for the holiday. My younger brother is an alcoholic and very active. My parents live next door to my brother and for him holidays are a perfect time to drink. I was dreading the event like a dental procedure, I felt I should go, but I sure didn’t want to. Many years ago after a holiday disaster I vowed not to put myself in those positions anymore, but for several years now things have been pretty good, so I hoped again for another non-event. After we had been at my parent’s for about 2 hours (before lunch) my brother’s belligerence became obvious and created a stressful feeling for me. Right before our meal after our Thanksgiving prayer, my brother left the house and he did not eat with us. I was told after dinner that he was unhappy with the prayer, which was why he left and did not want to eat with us. I decided that we would not stay for “round two” with my brother. We were able to continue our visit with my parents for a little while longer until my brother made another appearance. Both of my grown children where there for the holiday as well and when my father announced that my brother was on his way back down to the house -that was my queue! Once I announced goodbyes and farewells, both of my children also made excuses for leaving at the same time, and I do not blame them. It was a mass exodus upon my brother’s arrival. I gave everyone including my drunk brother a big hug and told them all I loved them, and we were off.
Thanksgiving was full of mixed emotions for me but I was able to “hold my tongue” and not mince words with the drunk (which never turns out well). I felt drained on the ride home, and apologized to my husband promising NEVER again.
In me, hope springs eternal for both my son and my brother, but I was reminded with Thanksgiving that I must adhere to my boundaries continually in order to keep myself healthy.
Happy Holidays!
See you Next Year!
Monday, December 16, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
My Golden Retrievers
Recently I found myself having to manage the immense sadness of saying goodbye to my sweet female golden retriever. I was blessed beyond words to have enjoyed her for over 11 years. Seven months earlier I was forced to say goodbye to our male golden that we had for over 9 years. The day that I said goodbye to my “Maggie” was wrought with heartache. I was sad and angry. WHY? I was mourning yet again for a beloved companion, but this time there was no companion left for me to focus my love and loss on. I was literally crying uncontrollably for over two hours off and on. Once my tears dried up that day, I was able to see that mourning my loss out loud in that way was a necessary action/reaction for me. There was nothing I could do to save my sweet Golden’s. I did the best I could have possibly done for them right up until the very end. (They were spoiled beyond measure but very good and loyal dogs.)
When my dogs would bring large sticks inside and chew them to shreds making a huge mess inside the house I would have a certain tone in my voice, saved specifically for shock, disbelief, and unhappiness. As I would scolded them they would lower their heads and cower down and look at me as if to say…Yes, I did it and I am so sorry that I did NOW! They would be so guilty and remorseful looking all at the same time. Without us being able to communicate, they knew that I was not happy, and I also knew how they were feeling as well.
Now I am not trying to compare the love I feel for my companion pets to that of my son (there is no comparison), but it just so happens that there is nothing I can do save my sweet son either! I mourn him every day even though I may not cry out loud and he is still alive out there somewhere.
My son and I are not communicating with each other either. I find when I see my son these days looking less than healthy, but obviously trying to look “neat” around his family, I can see this kind of “shame” in his eyes. We do not address his addiction with him directly, there is no point he will only lie to us. But his eyes tell me all I need to know. His eyes are sad and can’t quite look at me straight away. I know without knowing all I need to know. He must be truly struggling with his disease and the disease seems to be winning right now.
As his mother, I will never give up hope for him getting back to a sober life style and working at his recovery. I will always love him dearly, no matter what! I pray that I will not have to say goodbye to him for many years to come, but that is not up to me.
As I read forum post, many other blogs, and book after book about addiction, I find myself in awe at how much addiction is a huge part of our society. There are multiple industries built around and based on addiction. Replacement therapy items, medical research, rehabs, literature, half way houses, methadone clinics, etc. Also include all the non profits or other industry that do not specialize in addiction, but also are “big” players such as Lawyers, Doctors, Government’s, Hospital, etc! Addiction is A BIG DEAL, AND BIG BUSINESS. Even Hollywood is enmeshed with movies about addiction and all its horrible realities. There is no short amount of drama, horror or even comedy when it comes to active addiction. But we still can’t quite get a hold on it, because the disease involves the free will of a human being.
For an addict there is no choice other than active or recovery, and recovery requires abstinence. Addiction is always telling the addict that abstinence is NOT required today. Recovery says that abstinence is only for today!
JFT I hope my son and any other addicts out there trying to be abstinent today are successful!
When my dogs would bring large sticks inside and chew them to shreds making a huge mess inside the house I would have a certain tone in my voice, saved specifically for shock, disbelief, and unhappiness. As I would scolded them they would lower their heads and cower down and look at me as if to say…Yes, I did it and I am so sorry that I did NOW! They would be so guilty and remorseful looking all at the same time. Without us being able to communicate, they knew that I was not happy, and I also knew how they were feeling as well.
Now I am not trying to compare the love I feel for my companion pets to that of my son (there is no comparison), but it just so happens that there is nothing I can do save my sweet son either! I mourn him every day even though I may not cry out loud and he is still alive out there somewhere.
My son and I are not communicating with each other either. I find when I see my son these days looking less than healthy, but obviously trying to look “neat” around his family, I can see this kind of “shame” in his eyes. We do not address his addiction with him directly, there is no point he will only lie to us. But his eyes tell me all I need to know. His eyes are sad and can’t quite look at me straight away. I know without knowing all I need to know. He must be truly struggling with his disease and the disease seems to be winning right now.
As his mother, I will never give up hope for him getting back to a sober life style and working at his recovery. I will always love him dearly, no matter what! I pray that I will not have to say goodbye to him for many years to come, but that is not up to me.
As I read forum post, many other blogs, and book after book about addiction, I find myself in awe at how much addiction is a huge part of our society. There are multiple industries built around and based on addiction. Replacement therapy items, medical research, rehabs, literature, half way houses, methadone clinics, etc. Also include all the non profits or other industry that do not specialize in addiction, but also are “big” players such as Lawyers, Doctors, Government’s, Hospital, etc! Addiction is A BIG DEAL, AND BIG BUSINESS. Even Hollywood is enmeshed with movies about addiction and all its horrible realities. There is no short amount of drama, horror or even comedy when it comes to active addiction. But we still can’t quite get a hold on it, because the disease involves the free will of a human being.
For an addict there is no choice other than active or recovery, and recovery requires abstinence. Addiction is always telling the addict that abstinence is NOT required today. Recovery says that abstinence is only for today!
JFT I hope my son and any other addicts out there trying to be abstinent today are successful!
Monday, December 2, 2013
A day of joy for me.
Self and then Family: that is the order of my life these days. Mix in a little work time, sleep time (I love sleep btw), play time (for me includes reading), blog time, and there you have it- MY LIFE. Not long ago I was frantically searching far and wide (via the internet) for some explanation, comfort, reasoning, ‘How to Fix’ my son being a heroin addict. My only son, my first born child, my thirty year old baby boy is and forever will be an addict! He had confessed “addiction” in 2002, but after several jail terms, and a court appointed long term inpatient rehab he was renewed with recovery in 2008 only to relapse in 2011. This past March he checked himself into a detox facility for several days and then on to another inpatient rehab out of town. I knew his recovery was up to him but I did not realize that I had been enabling him. I did not realize how SICK I was! My son starting rehab all over again broke me down harder than the initial discovery about his addiction. He was asking for my help, but I didn’t know what I should or shouldn’t do. I was an emotional wreck and I really thought I was going to fall into the depths of depression again or even worse have a mental breakdown. I could not sleep; I cried off and on all day long, I was sick with dread and depression. All this time, all these years, and we were right back where we started in 2002 it seemed! I came across a website that helped me a lot. It was a website that promotes AL-ANON/NAR-ANON traditions and steps (--www.naranon.com)—the webiste has an open forum for anyone who has a loved one who is an addict. I learned a lot just by listening to others and by having others listen and respond to me. That website offered me guidance and suggested reading to help me better understand not only what I was feeling, but what my addicted loved one was feeling as well. There are many wonderful blogs that have helped me along the way as well. I made so many mistakes as a young mother who thought she knew it all! I recognize many of those mistakes and have asked forgiveness, but more importantly I have moved on. I have made substantial changes in my life, and I have forgiven myself. I no longer feel that my son’s choices are my punishment; they are his choices for his life. I have learned that unconditional love means that even though I despise so many of his choices, I can and will still love my son no matter what. I have often thought of the loving mother’s of murders …what heart ache to know that your child committed such a horrible act. Do they feel blame and anger too? It is so very hard NOT to blame yourself as the “Mother” but when does that stop? When they turn 18, 25 or 40? If I stay focused on ME and make the honest effort everyday to be better today than yesterday, that helps me not to live in the past. That helps me feel good about today and find joy today. My son asked me not so long ago to just stay out of his life, and I am trying to do that for him. My granddaughter (my addict son’s 2nd child) just had her 9th birthday. Our family gathered together to celebrate and my son was there also. He did not look well, but you could tell he was only there for her. He loves her and she loves him and nothing else mattered that night except it was a celebration of her! After almost 2 hours in Chuckee Cheese (a very loud place) after a long day at work, Nana & Poppi (my husband and I) were ready to call it a night. I turned to leave saying goodbye to my granddaughter as well as other family members and then began walking toward the exit. I realized as we started out the door I did not say goodbye to my son, and I stopped for a moment. Then I just continue on out the door. My son knows I love him, and he loves me as well. Me leaving without saying goodbye changes nothing about that! That is something that is called “not sweating the small stuff” that I am learning. My son is a grown man struggling everyday not to go and buy heroin to feed his addiction. His family struggles everyday too, just to let him live his life. Every day that my son is still alive and with us is a day of joy for me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)