A day of joy for me.

Self and then Family: that is the order of my life these days. Mix in a little work time, sleep time (I love sleep btw), play time (for me includes reading), blog time, and there you have it- MY LIFE. Not long ago I was frantically searching far and wide (via the internet) for some explanation, comfort, reasoning, ‘How to Fix’ my son being a heroin addict. My only son, my first born child, my thirty year old baby boy is and forever will be an addict! He had confessed “addiction” in 2002, but after several jail terms, and a court appointed long term inpatient rehab he was renewed with recovery in 2008 only to relapse in 2011. This past March he checked himself into a detox facility for several days and then on to another inpatient rehab out of town. I knew his recovery was up to him but I did not realize that I had been enabling him. I did not realize how SICK I was! My son starting rehab all over again broke me down harder than the initial discovery about his addiction. He was asking for my help, but I didn’t know what I should or shouldn’t do. I was an emotional wreck and I really thought I was going to fall into the depths of depression again or even worse have a mental breakdown. I could not sleep; I cried off and on all day long, I was sick with dread and depression. All this time, all these years, and we were right back where we started in 2002 it seemed! I came across a website that helped me a lot. It was a website that promotes AL-ANON/NAR-ANON traditions and steps (--www.naranon.com)—the webiste has an open forum for anyone who has a loved one who is an addict. I learned a lot just by listening to others and by having others listen and respond to me. That website offered me guidance and suggested reading to help me better understand not only what I was feeling, but what my addicted loved one was feeling as well. There are many wonderful blogs that have helped me along the way as well. I made so many mistakes as a young mother who thought she knew it all! I recognize many of those mistakes and have asked forgiveness, but more importantly I have moved on. I have made substantial changes in my life, and I have forgiven myself. I no longer feel that my son’s choices are my punishment; they are his choices for his life. I have learned that unconditional love means that even though I despise so many of his choices, I can and will still love my son no matter what. I have often thought of the loving mother’s of murders …what heart ache to know that your child committed such a horrible act. Do they feel blame and anger too? It is so very hard NOT to blame yourself as the “Mother” but when does that stop? When they turn 18, 25 or 40? If I stay focused on ME and make the honest effort everyday to be better today than yesterday, that helps me not to live in the past. That helps me feel good about today and find joy today. My son asked me not so long ago to just stay out of his life, and I am trying to do that for him. My granddaughter (my addict son’s 2nd child) just had her 9th birthday. Our family gathered together to celebrate and my son was there also. He did not look well, but you could tell he was only there for her. He loves her and she loves him and nothing else mattered that night except it was a celebration of her! After almost 2 hours in Chuckee Cheese (a very loud place) after a long day at work, Nana & Poppi (my husband and I) were ready to call it a night. I turned to leave saying goodbye to my granddaughter as well as other family members and then began walking toward the exit. I realized as we started out the door I did not say goodbye to my son, and I stopped for a moment. Then I just continue on out the door. My son knows I love him, and he loves me as well. Me leaving without saying goodbye changes nothing about that! That is something that is called “not sweating the small stuff” that I am learning. My son is a grown man struggling everyday not to go and buy heroin to feed his addiction. His family struggles everyday too, just to let him live his life. Every day that my son is still alive and with us is a day of joy for me!