Background

This is my story. I wrote this about 7 months ago and I want to share it with you all to give you a little bit more background on where I am coming from in my journey.

I was raise in a strict home environment, and rebelled at 18. I did drugs occasionally in high school and recreationally as a young adult. I drank and smoked cigarettes, but never really felt addicted to anything. There was a period in my life before I had children that I abused drugs and knew I had to quit doing them or suffer dire consequences. I had very little issue with quitting drugs, I just quit. I had children at a fairly young age, and continued to smoke cigarettes and drink socially all the while they grew up. Immediately after my first husband and I divorced, I would often abuse alcohol and started smoking pot again occasionally. I found myself depressed and anxious to the point where medication and counseling was necessary for me to cope with life. My children new that I was “sad” (what I called my depression to them), but I do not know how much they really knew. They were 9 and 10 years old at that time.

Later on when my children became teenagers I knew they were going to try drugs I felt it was inevitable. I was not going to obsess over it, but I did take a stand about the legality of it. My son seemed to take a great interest in drugs and cigarettes, and not so much alcohol or college. His longtime girlfriend became pregnant and it was discovered that she had an eating disorder. During the pregnancy my son decided that he no longer could be with his pregnant girl friend. Before I knew it, he had been arrested for possession with intent for marijuana, a felony charge and he was just 20 years old and a father to a new born son. After his initial legal problems, which included attorney fees, probation and court fees, my son came to me to confess that he had a drug problem, pain pills he said. He was going to the ER in hopes of being admitted to a recovery center for rehabilitation. Also, he says, the baby’s mama was an addict too, and she was also going into rehab. I must admit, I never saw it coming. Drug addiction? My son? NO! This was not drug addiction, depression maybe, but not drug addiction. He just thought it was drug addiction. After about 2 weeks my son left his rehab facility and was suppose to start outpatient rehab, but that never happened. He had moved back in with me in hopes of helping him stay “clean”, but that didn’t happen either. One day after work I came home to find him in bed, I tried to wake him but he could barely respond. As I picked up his clothes he had left in the floor, I felt something in his pocket. What? Pills? Well, this must be some kind of rehab pill probably, so I decided to check it out before I pronounced judgment. After professional review it was determined to be Oxycodoine, a controlled substance. I was furious, how dare he use drugs again, and in my house. I would not tolerate this, after all NOT using drugs was a simple deal…you just don’t use! I knew after all, I had been there. I kicked him out of my home, he had to get out. I have never before and never since seen such panic on his face when I told him. He was in shock I thought, but yet again I was wrong. Tough love I called it, a no tolerance approach that would fix him. But all he cared about was what I did with the pills? He had to have them back! They were his; they weren’t his; he owed money for them, if he didn’t get them back he did not know what was going to happen to him. WOW, was he mad at me! I told him I flushed them, I didn’t have them any longer. He was furious! He yelled, he screamed he was out of control. Then he left.

I didn’t see him again for several months until I got a phone call that he was back in jail, he had violated his probation. He was going to stay in jail, and the judge agreed. He told the judge he had a drug problem, but the judge was determined he was going to do some time in jail to think about things, and maybe that would help him with his drug addiction. During his jail time he had his baby mama try to pass drugs through to him. Another felony and come to find out, she is pregnant again by him. WHAT? My son’s daughter was born while he was in jail. After almost a year, my son was sent to an inpatient men’s rehab where he spent 6 months. It was the best thing that could happen for him, he was back to his old self. He was starting to get to know his daughter and connect with son. At the home meetings (My very first experience with “meetings”) where parents and family came to share in a meeting, one of the mothers spoke that she was thankful that her son was there, and that he had been in rehab NINE previous times and how she hoped that this was the one that would stick. Now if someone had taken a photograph of my face, it would have been priceless. Utter shock and I immediately started to cry. Oh no! NO no no! I can remember thinking…what ? This might not work either? No, I could not think like that, this was going to work for MY son. My son was different, he had been in jail, and he has 2 little children. The counselor also spoke at the meeting to address this woman’s concerns and we all need to understand the statistics on relapse, recovery, and addiction. -9 out of 10 of the addicts in his program would relapse. I was dumb founded yet again, well maybe, but not my son! And why would he say that anyway, it was like giving them permission to fail I thought. But I was soooooo wrong. Addicts don’t need permission! It was true! It is TRUE!

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. After two failed marriages(neither to the mother of his 2 children), a wrecked car, being homeless, nothing but lies, stealing, dealing, sick, skinny, rehab, jail, hospitals, drug court, and being unapproachable…here we are again and this time I have no answers. I have finally after years and years of thinking I knew all about addiction, I realize that I know nothing! My son is a heroin addict, full fledge, no mistake, and no doubt about it. He has just turned thirty years old and he has been battling addiction for over 10 years now, and I just got to a place where I understand that. We had known that he had been using some in the past year, but we had felt like he was doing better and finally able to stay clean. He had given us several clean drug tests. But he wasn’t clean it was all just his way of keeping us off his back. He wouldn’t use for a few days and then take a test. I am so grateful; he is back in rehab again. I saw him two days ago and he was doing well. I am going to his family IOP meeting tonight and I hope he is having a good day today! Written 04/17/13

08/14/13 Relapse again, in less than 4 months. I just feel numb. There is nothing I can do to help him. There is nothing that anyone can do to help him.