My son has addiction and I am going on vacation!

I am filled with excitement at the realization that my long awaited vacation is now only 3 weeks away.  The next three weeks will be very busy with many events to come before we can head out on our journey… birthdays, conformations, family visits, yard sales, and charity events.  I know time will fly by in anticipation of and also during our vacation week but that will be fine!  With every challenge I focus on the upcoming non events of “vacation week”.  Our vacation this year will be quite similar to a few vacations in the past where we have gone to the exact same condo and 3 day music festival in the Northern Caribbean, as Jimmy Buffett says.  This year will be a little different in that after the 3 day music festival, my husband and I will then travel to an island key and do absolutely NOTHING for three days and nights except stare at the ocean.  Now that is my kind a relaxation! 

Some folks just can’t sit and do nothing for three days, but I am NOT that kind of person. I have no trouble doing nothing and the older I get I almost need a few days after something like a music festival to recover from all the dancing and walking that goes along with all the fun at the festival. My husband is the kind of guy who is a lot like the energizer bunny; he keeps going and going; until he sits down and then he is asleep. He is the hardest working person I have ever known. He gives 200 percent to his employer on a daily basis, works nights, weekends, holidays, and never ever complains. He enjoys and is proud of his job, and wants to do his very best every day. Easter Sunday, and we had planned to drive in to visit his family for the day, but first we had to drive to a potential job site for him to examine prior to providing his customer with an estimated cost. It mattered little to my husband that his customer called at the very last minute, and did not have the exact information about the location; my husband figured it all out for them. His work ethic is just part of his success, he is also very smart, cleaver, and thinks outside the box. He can work out just about any problem that his customer might need resolved. When it comes to doing things around the house he is the same way and can really help me out when the household affairs need extra attention from time to time.

We will have about a 9 hour drive before our vacation begins at our first stop, but I enjoy the drive. We take the same route each time we go. The journey is mostly through very poor rural areas of the south, but I was raised in the south and this is what I know, it is not strange to me at all. I am just as comfortable in a dirty Quik Stop gas station as I am in a 5 star restaurant, maybe more! We have learned over the years that your best bet, which is 50/50, is to stop at a McDonald's to use the restroom. Also, depending on the time of the year, we like to stop at local fruit stands and buy our snacks for the road. I remember one year I had never tried boiled peanuts, so I just had to have some. Not one of my favorite things, but interesting. I even love all the packing and loading the car the night before. We like to leave early before the sun comes up so we can see the sunrise and avoid some traffic at the beginning. My husband and I have been married for ten years almost and so far we have not run out of conversation. When it is just the two of us in the car headed out on a road trip, we are both very happy and enjoy every minute!

We are two 50 something’s who will be hanging with the kids (20-30 something’s) on the beach while dancing to live music. We have in the past gone to the festival mid morning and stayed until way past dark. One of my favorite things to do is watch the “date night” folks arrive dressed to the nine’s around dusk just to catch the “Main” act. Here we are the old, dirty, sunburned, tired, bathing suit wearing, all day longer’s sitting in the shade watching the pretty people walk by. WE LOVE IT! In the past we have left the festival once we hear a few songs of the “Main” act and we start talking about the music we enjoyed and what is yet to come the next day. We love meeting new people and being in a place filled with good food, nice people, and cool music both old and new. You put that all on a sandy beach by the Gulf of Mexico and that is our Paradise. Last year my husband wore a Gorilla mask at the festival while dancing for a while and was a big hit with everyone! He loves to make people smile, especially me!

It is a curious thing as you age, you know you are getting older with time, but you don’t “feel” older. I have these random aches and pains that come and go, I go to bed a little earlier than I use to, and I certainly LOOK older, but deep down inside I feel just as I did when I was younger. With time you not only get older you get wiser they say. Experienced is what I like to say- not wiser!


This reminds me…. The Jimmy Hendrix song Are You Experienced lyrics are below…


If you can just get your mind together

Then come on across to me

We'll hold hands and then we'll watch the sunrise

From the bottom of the sea

I know, I know you probably scream and cry

That your little world won't let you go

But who in your measly little world

Are you trying to prove that

You're made out of gold and, eh, can't be sold

Trumpets and violins I can hear in distance

I think they're calling our names

Maybe now you can't hear them, but you will

If you just take hold of my hand



These lyrics remind me that what I think sometimes is NOT reality. If I am scared and hurting it is up to ME to change that for me, it matters little what anyone else thinks. If I can just get my “mind together”… This reminds me of how far I have come in dealing with the heart wrenching pain of having a loved one who suffers from this disease of addiction. I use to think my son’s struggles were all about choices, but the “choices” are a symptom of his disease. If it was just about choices, my son would NOT be an addict! His mind would work differently and he would not be tormented by this disease every single day. Some people will say ‘Everything happens for a reason’, but I do not know about that. What I do know is that ANY THING can happen to anyone, and even if it is terrible and sad, that THING can cause something else to happen to someone else, and so on and so on. We can affect each other for better or for worse. We can learn from each other for better or for worse. I say this because I have been to a very dark, scary, sad place; A place in my mind where I could see and feel nothing but sadness and fear. I felt like I could not take another minute not knowing what to do to help my son. Worried about what I should or should NOT do, worried about where he was, what he was doing, not knowing if he was alive or not. This was the darkest place I have ever been in my life and I was wrecked with fear. But today, although my son is still and will always be an addict and I realize there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that, I am HAPPY! I am more than happy; I am engaged in MY life, looking forward to my upcoming vacation, and I don’t feel guilty about that either. I do not have all the answers, but I do know that I am living my life for the “better”. And I know that I truly LOVE my son no matter what he does, and I don’t care what anyone else thinks about any of that. 

There is still so much that we don’t know about addiction and much more research needs to be done. Until socially this disease is accepted as the progressive, non discriminatory, chronic and deadly disease that it is, our society will struggle with the ability to truly help those suffering with that disease.

There is an old saying that I don’t really care for but I changed it to be the basis for overcoming the challenges of loving an addict. Happy Life=Happy wife I changed to...Happy Life= Happy Life. I mean it is not rocket science, a smile is contagious, and so on and so on. Sure some days I don’t feel good and therefore I am not my happiest, but My life happiness is truly up to me, despite whatever I many suffer from, and we all suffer something. So ….Happy Life=Happy Life. Just explain to your brain that you are going to be happy. If not right this second, then later on today, if not later on today, then tomorrow and start doing something that you absolutely LOVE everyday to make it happen! Take back your life! Seek out and find others who know what you are going through…Al-Anon meetings- you can find comfort and understanding there. Read what they suggest to help you better understand this disease, and your options. Just like in an airplane, you must first put YOUR oxygen mask on before helping others! Take care of you, and then you will be better able to take care of the ones you love and care about!

Step up and stand out as an advocate for breaking the stigma of addiction. Addiction is a chronic progressive disease that our society needs to learn more about! It is NOT about losers who just want to hang out and do drugs all day. It is fathers & mothers, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters.

Instead of saying my son "is an addict" like he has a choice, I should say...

My son has addiction, but he is so much more than that!

I am the mother of a son who has addiction, but I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT!




Thanks for listening… (Reading)…. 

Nixon the Cat Update...

Nixon (the rescue cat) Update…..


Last week my husband and I took in a rescue cat and we named him Nixon. He stayed hidden for his first few days at our house only coming out of hiding to eat and run from room to room. In week two he has begun to warm up to his surroundings and us. He is a beautiful loving cat, and we have wondered as to why this beautiful loving creature ended up being a “rescue”. This past weekend we discovered his anomaly as an avid adventurer and escape artist. The same fearful hiding cat that we took in to our home less than two weeks ago is now a demanding to be released into the wild at every turn. He shot out between my husband’s feet Saturday night as he entered our back door. The cat was literally hiding behind the curtain and darted out just as my husband opened up the door. It was quite comical to watch three grown people try and corral a feline. We were successful after some frustrating maneuvers, but we are now fearful that our Nixon will escape our home and venture out and about on his own never to be heard from again. He may be a perpetual donation getter for the numerous rescues in our town. He is constantly sleeping, eating, and trying to escape our house. That is his new routine in week two, and I hope this will be a short lived adjusting behavior just as his shyness was. To Be Continued…

Easter

                  May this Easter season touch you and your loved ones heart in some special way.

Just Today

Just for Today, Living for Today, One Day at a Time… Not just a motto: a way of life.

These familiar mottos are accepted and repeated over and over again in AA groups for those struggling with addiction. When life becomes challenging and difficult, this motto should be adjusted to, one second, one minute, and one hour at a time if necessary. I will always remember something my son told me about his battle with addiction and his recovery that really opened my eyes not only about his struggle, but also about the concept of one day at a time. He said to me…” one day, one minute, one hour-- I can do anything for a minute, and then another minute, and then an hour, and then a day. If I try and think about weeks, and months and years, I get overwhelmed.”
Living my life, one day or one hour at a time is new and refreshing for me at 52 years old. I feel free from demands, and the what if’s that can burden me down. The ‘One Day at a Time’ motto, as a life attitude, is how I deal with so many things now. Coming to terms with loss and going through the stages of loss (denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance) is one of the many challenges in life that this attitude can help with.

While I was growing up, my father worked for a corporation that required him to be transferable. My family relocated 6 times to different cities all over the south from the time I was 2 until I was 13 years old. When I was 13 we moved to a fairly small town where my Father would finally retire from his position. I graduated High School there and we lived there longer than we had lived anywhere, so for all practical purposes it was my adopted hometown. Not being from this town and not having cousins or family members around like most everyone else, I was not only the “new” kid but I was also “not from here”. I meet kids in the neighborhood and from church, but I did not have a ‘Best Friend’ until the end of my junior year. My first and only best friend and I got along great, we had a lot in common, and we were together as much as we could be. We stayed friends for a very long time. We went through a lot together, marriages, abuse, divorce, financial troubles, I really thought we would be friends forever, but we are no longer friends. The loss of that friendship was devastating to me. I still miss her and our relationship but I have no regrets. Coming to terms with the loss of my best friend has taken time. At first I was in denial, then angry, then sad, and now I have moved on with an enlightened understanding. I am truly grateful for the years that we did have together as best friends. I will always think kindly of her and hope only for the best for her. But like the song says…now she’s just somebody that I use to know. Today I am happy to be able to look back without any resentment. Even though this person did not die, our relationship died and that was the loss for me.

When I found out about my son’s addiction another huge loss was felt in my heart! I felt that I had lost my innocent, vibrant, smart, articulate, beautiful son to drugs, heroin. I had to let go of some of the mothering techniques that were enabling for him. Many of those things went completely against my instincts as a mother. He was sick and needed me to take care of him I thought. He was only 18 when we first discovered his addiction and he was hurting. Nothing about my son’s heroin addiction has been easy, but taking everything one day at a time makes it doable. But not only that, it makes life easier. I have gone through every stage of loss, and then with every slip up and/or relapse those same emotions and stages were repeating over and over again. Now, living one day at a time helps me live healthy and happy, knowing that my son will always and forever be an addict either in recovery or active. It’s not just a motto for me. I look for and find many things everyday to be grateful and just take each day as it comes.

Not every day is easy, but one day at a time, one day at a time, whatever it takes….one day at a time.

New Companions

Today my husband and I are getting a new family pet. Our vet is helping us rescue a male cat that we are naming Anno Nixon Picasso. (We will call him Nixon) We have one cat Jack Sparrow we rescued over 9 years ago, so this weekend should prove eventful. We are animal lovers and we have the means and the desire to take this little cat into our home and family. I will be giving updates on our progress as we get to know each other and be companions for one another. Here’s hoping all goes well with our first day!

Anno Nixon Picasso
04/10/2014
Welcome to our family!

Risk vs. Peace

My home sits on a large lot and is loaded with trees, big trees, with BIG limbs.  A big limb happened to fall out of one of those trees causing some damage and barely missing my husband’s 2013 Chevy Equinox.  The limb is very large and heavy; we were not having any high winds, and the limb is seemingly healthy, or was.  My husband and I had a long conversation just last week about the trees in our yard that need trimming and how costly the work will be.  My refrain has always been…even when we get all that expensive work done, the very next day another limb could break?  Trying to control nature is impossible!  We (I) love the trees, and they provide shade and beauty to our property but they come with a great risk too.  We have always known of the danger of having these big trees but we just haven’t worried about them on a daily basis.  We have taken the attitude that …If it happens, it happens… and we will deal with that then.   But with this big limb falling so close to our home, we feel we must also attempt to reduce our risk and be responsible homeowners.  By reducing risk, I am setting up some boundaries.  I can have these big trees, but I need to be proactive in trimming them back.

Reducing risk is a theme to my life these days it seems, and it is working!  In trying to live my life healthy and happy, and having a son who struggles with addiction, I have learned to take this same approach.  Before, I was trying to control something that I had NO control over; someone else’s life.   This wait and see approach until something becomes a risk to ME may seem like a lazy approach to some, but it has been a life saver for me.  To think that I can control another adult’s life is ridiculous.  Thinking that way must be some special Mom hormone or something that never stops, but I have learned to control it, recognize it, and avoid it altogether.

 I am naturally a very thoughtful planner about everything.  I try and think of every possible scenario, like or dislike.  Every holiday, birthday, vacation or family gathering I plan, organize, and have everything figured out way ahead of time.  So this -wait and see approach to day to day life -does not come naturally to me, I have to work hard at that.  I have found that with every new day this approach works best for me as long as I make a conscience effort toward that goal.  I do my very best, lovingly everyday… and then try again tomorrow.  My son understands my boundaries where his addictions is concerned; I have made them clear and continue to do so.  Expectations are something from my past; they are not a part of today.   My boss asked me the other day at work…” Not what you were expecting was it?”  My response was…’ I honestly had NO expectations.’   She looked back at me with a puzzled look on her face and had no response in return.

I have no expectations with my blog either.  I realize that I am certainly not the best writer, and often my attempts end up being ramblings that make no sense to anyone but me, but for now I am enjoying the writing.  I also enjoy many blogs that others write as well, and websites with insight to living life with addiction.  I started my blog just wanting to be part of that community.   I want to share the positive life events, and any insights that might come my way.    Other times I am just living my life and trying to learn to roll with it!   Letting go for me meant letting go of thinking I had the cure for my son, or that I could find that cure out there somewhere for him.  I just knew I could “fix him”!   But looking for that cure and fix is what led me to where I am today and I am filled with a grateful heart!  I now live with a sense of peace deep inside, and I know that it really is going to be ok.  If you find yourself broken by addiction, I believe that no matter how bad you are hurting right now, the power is inside you to find your peace.   I also believe that only YOU have that ability, no one else can find that peace inside you except you.  When I was bogged down in pain and fear, I had to dig myself out of that muck.  Some days I could not feel or see any progress, but I did not give up.  Every new day brought me new hope and I held on to that hope, which sees me through still to this day.

I have my setbacks and I make mistakes, but that is all part of life too, so getting upset about that I find pointless.  At the base/root/core of my life is honesty with compassion.  I can be a very critical person, finding fault comes easy for me.  This is not something that I am proud of, this is something I am working on within myself.  I also find that the more comfortable I am the more vocal I can be about my criticism, so I have to be especially careful around my loved ones.  Being very critical does not go hand in hand with having compassion, so I have to work on that every day!  I learned to be critical, just as those who taught me to be critical learned. So with that in mind I try to correct myself out loud when I am being critical and lacking compassion, because I do not want to pass my critical thinking on to anyone else.

I cannot control nature or tree limbs falling anymore than I can control another person.  I can only control how I react and how I live my life.  I can react out of fear and cut down all the trees in my yard, or I can do nothing and hope for the best.  OR, I can set some boundaries for what looks like danger for me, by having the trees closest to my house trimmed by an arborist who knows how to trim trees.  When it comes to my son’s addiction, first and foremost this is my son’s disease, not mine.  I love him dearly of course and hope that he is able to make choices that will lead him to remission, but those choices and decisions are up to him and him alone.  I will not live my life in FEAR of his relapse; I will love him with compassion and keep the boundaries in place that keep me healthy.  I know that no one want to be an addict and that he has the ability and power within himself to find his peace just like I do.  I only want to be the best example that I can be!

Every day is truly a new opportunity to experience hope, compassion, and love; and that is what I want the highlights of my life to be as I am living life with addiction.