About ten years ago my husband and I bought an older home that sits on a double lot in town. The double lot has approximately 20 mature trees clustered upon less than two acres. There is no joy for my husband during the fall leaf drop. I help out sometimes but this time of the year tries my husband’s patience like nothing else. Some days my husband can work all day long getting up leaves and by dusk the same day you can hardly tell he has raked a single leaf. My husband dreads the coming of fall every year. For me there is a calm coolness of the air this time of year that I appreciate, even though I prefer warmer weather. With the change in seasons and thoughts of winter fast approaching, I can’t help but think about the coming of the holidays and family events that will no doubt test my boundaries and choices.
I have technically lived with addiction in my life for the past 30 years, but I am just now really beginning to learn a new way of living with addiction and love. I have come to accept that addiction will be a part of my life for the rest of my life because that is the cold hard truth! This truth (that I do not wish upon anyone) is also a part of my son’s life and my entire family’s life. Addiction is truly a “Family” disease.
Webster defines dis•ease
noun \di-ˈzēz\
: an illness that affects a person, animal, or plant : a condition that prevents the body or mind from working normally
: a problem that a person, group, organization, or society has and cannot stop
Many people (including myself previously) do not accept addiction as a disease, and certainly not a family disease. Early on when I first encountered addiction I thought that determination was the key. Willpower was all that was necessary and that if someone was an addict it was only because that was what they “wanted” to be. Today I believe something very different. I struggle with not knowing if my son is active in his heroin addiction or working his recovery. I do not see or speak to my son on any regular basis, not only because he does not reach out to me, but because I choose not to reach out to him either. I hold tight to things that I can find gratitude in that helps me take on every new day. I try to stay focused on improving myself and I know that I have a lot to work on. Realizing that I can only be responsible for my choices, I choose and work at being someone that my son and my family can see as calm, loving, honest and forgiving. I also find that nothing changes, if nothing changes.
To remain calm in the face of addiction is very hard for me at times. I try to incorporate yoga breathing techniques, especially at night when I have trouble getting to sleep that helps me find calm. I am learning, to ask myself; is this an honest reaction based in love and unselfishness? Or, am I disappointed and angry? I AM a work in progress and not perfect.
If I find myself not sure what the answer should be, I reserve the right to think about it and not be too quick to offer up an answer. If I wait before I speak, very often I find that I am happy that I did not respond right away and I make a better decision. “Let me think about that” has become my go to phrase. But then there are other times when my natural response does not require any words at all, because nothing I can say will make any difference. I am an emotional being, and it is ok to be emotional at times and often that will bring me to a place of calm.
This past Thanksgiving celebration with my family was held at my parent’s home. I was happy not to have to cook the entire meal, but I was also very leery of going there for the holiday. My younger brother is an alcoholic and very active. My parents live next door to my brother and for him holidays are a perfect time to drink. I was dreading the event like a dental procedure, I felt I should go, but I sure didn’t want to. Many years ago after a holiday disaster I vowed not to put myself in those positions anymore, but for several years now things have been pretty good, so I hoped again for another non-event. After we had been at my parent’s for about 2 hours (before lunch) my brother’s belligerence became obvious and created a stressful feeling for me. Right before our meal after our Thanksgiving prayer, my brother left the house and he did not eat with us. I was told after dinner that he was unhappy with the prayer, which was why he left and did not want to eat with us. I decided that we would not stay for “round two” with my brother. We were able to continue our visit with my parents for a little while longer until my brother made another appearance. Both of my grown children where there for the holiday as well and when my father announced that my brother was on his way back down to the house -that was my queue! Once I announced goodbyes and farewells, both of my children also made excuses for leaving at the same time, and I do not blame them. It was a mass exodus upon my brother’s arrival. I gave everyone including my drunk brother a big hug and told them all I loved them, and we were off.
Thanksgiving was full of mixed emotions for me but I was able to “hold my tongue” and not mince words with the drunk (which never turns out well). I felt drained on the ride home, and apologized to my husband promising NEVER again.
In me, hope springs eternal for both my son and my brother, but I was reminded with Thanksgiving that I must adhere to my boundaries continually in order to keep myself healthy.
Happy Holidays!
See you Next Year!
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