Recently I found myself having to manage the immense sadness of saying goodbye to my sweet female golden retriever. I was blessed beyond words to have enjoyed her for over 11 years. Seven months earlier I was forced to say goodbye to our male golden that we had for over 9 years. The day that I said goodbye to my “Maggie” was wrought with heartache. I was sad and angry. WHY? I was mourning yet again for a beloved companion, but this time there was no companion left for me to focus my love and loss on. I was literally crying uncontrollably for over two hours off and on. Once my tears dried up that day, I was able to see that mourning my loss out loud in that way was a necessary action/reaction for me. There was nothing I could do to save my sweet Golden’s. I did the best I could have possibly done for them right up until the very end. (They were spoiled beyond measure but very good and loyal dogs.)
When my dogs would bring large sticks inside and chew them to shreds making a huge mess inside the house I would have a certain tone in my voice, saved specifically for shock, disbelief, and unhappiness. As I would scolded them they would lower their heads and cower down and look at me as if to say…Yes, I did it and I am so sorry that I did NOW! They would be so guilty and remorseful looking all at the same time. Without us being able to communicate, they knew that I was not happy, and I also knew how they were feeling as well.
Now I am not trying to compare the love I feel for my companion pets to that of my son (there is no comparison), but it just so happens that there is nothing I can do save my sweet son either! I mourn him every day even though I may not cry out loud and he is still alive out there somewhere.
My son and I are not communicating with each other either. I find when I see my son these days looking less than healthy, but obviously trying to look “neat” around his family, I can see this kind of “shame” in his eyes. We do not address his addiction with him directly, there is no point he will only lie to us. But his eyes tell me all I need to know. His eyes are sad and can’t quite look at me straight away. I know without knowing all I need to know. He must be truly struggling with his disease and the disease seems to be winning right now.
As his mother, I will never give up hope for him getting back to a sober life style and working at his recovery. I will always love him dearly, no matter what! I pray that I will not have to say goodbye to him for many years to come, but that is not up to me.
As I read forum post, many other blogs, and book after book about addiction, I find myself in awe at how much addiction is a huge part of our society. There are multiple industries built around and based on addiction. Replacement therapy items, medical research, rehabs, literature, half way houses, methadone clinics, etc. Also include all the non profits or other industry that do not specialize in addiction, but also are “big” players such as Lawyers, Doctors, Government’s, Hospital, etc! Addiction is A BIG DEAL, AND BIG BUSINESS. Even Hollywood is enmeshed with movies about addiction and all its horrible realities. There is no short amount of drama, horror or even comedy when it comes to active addiction. But we still can’t quite get a hold on it, because the disease involves the free will of a human being.
For an addict there is no choice other than active or recovery, and recovery requires abstinence. Addiction is always telling the addict that abstinence is NOT required today. Recovery says that abstinence is only for today!
JFT I hope my son and any other addicts out there trying to be abstinent today are successful!
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