Well, it feels like I have been away for months when it has only been a couple of weeks. My husband and I had a wonderful week vacation at the Gulf of Mexico. It was just the two of us for 8 days and 7 nights! A much needed retreat. While there I felt complete peace of mind staring at the waves come in and go out, over and over again; just the sound of ocean in background had a calming effect upon me. Some say it is similar to the sound we hear in our mother’s womb before we are born, but whatever the reason I find myself drawn to the ocean.
When we returned home it seemed that our lives went from slow motion silent love story to a double time action packed drama. We decided while we were away that we would purchase a boat and so when we returned everything fell into place for that to happen and we are very happy with our choice. On our way home, literally while we were driving down the road, my husband was offered a very substantial and much deserved promotion with a former employer. We discussed the pros and cons all the way home, and finally after much consideration we decided that he should accept the challenging position. With changing jobs we had to change our vehicle situation, my husband will lose his company car, so we began the never pleasant task of car shopping. Benefit changes, vehicle changes, becoming boat owners, a hectic first week back from vacation NO DOUBT! Back to reality we come.
Now, things have settled a bit, and I have finally found myself with time to reflect on the past couple of weeks and what all has transpired.
Before our vacation began, we discovered firsthand that the stigma of addiction is alive and well in our community, even among people that we once considered “friends”. We (our family) have certainly felt the brutality that goes along with that stigma. My son is involved as a witness in what initially was a drug overdose, now turned murder trial. Junkie, loser, lowlife, piece of ____, worthless; just a few of the words used to not only describe my son’s friend who is being charged with first degree murder, but also my son. They are considered less than a normal human being in our community because they are drug addicts. They are presumed guilty by much of the general public because they are drug addicts, even though the victim was also a struggling addict.
I do not presume to know either way. I can only hope that the truth comes out and that this is not just a witch hunt brought on by grief, revenge, quotas, elections or drug gangs. There is NO compassion in our society for those who suffer with addiction! Part of the reason I write this blog is to show compassion for my son who is an addict. Addiction is truly a disabling disease and condition, not a choice. My son did not choose to become a drug addict! Many times he makes choices based upon the control the addiction has on his brain, but this is NOT a life he chose. Watching him waste away in addiction is like watching him try to swim across an ocean. The first time he went swimming it was unlike anything he had ever experienced. A lot of people like to swim but they don’t become obcessed with swimming like he has. He loves swimming so much that swimming slowly took over control of all reasonable thought. He started out slowly occasionally in, pools, lakes and rivers, (cigarettes, alcohol and pills), but now he is swimming in the ocean (heroin) and can’t figure out how to get out of the water. He use to love swimming and having a good time, but he hates swimming now but can’t make himself stop. Sometimes he seems to be doing well, he starts to swim to the shore but then something happens and he begins to struggle to stay above water let alone swim. The shore seems like it is too far away and he just can’t make it no matter what he does. I can’t help him; I can throw him a life line, but after a while he will let go of it thinking he doesn’t need it. As I watch in horror from the boat or land as my child tries to keep swimming, I know that unless he gets completely out of the water he will not survive this, but he just keeps on trying to swim, he just can’t seem to get out of the water. The water is calling to him constantly demanding him to swim and swim and swim, until one day when his body can’t take it any longer, and he disappear in the ocean.
This analogy of addiction was probably subconsciously brought on by my recent trip to the coast, but for whatever reason it makes sense to me. I know my son is slowly drowning in something bigger and stronger that me and the love I have for my son. I will continue to throw him a lifeline if he ask and sometimes even when he doesn’t ask, never giving up hope that my son will be able to yet again pull himself from the waters. I also realize that if he doesn’t he will die, and if he does he will wish he was dead at some future point, and he will always struggle with the ocean calling for him to come and swim again. But, I don’t give up! I believe that somewhere deep down inside my son he is trying to find the strength to overcome that desire to swim. He has done it before. He was in recovery for over three years at one point, he can do this, but that is up to him and him alone. All I can do is watch and be there, and not give up on him.
No one knows what tomorrow may bring, or the rest of today for that matter. I try very hard to not focus on the “what if’s?” and “maybe’s” and just live in the now. In the next few post I want to share some of the wonderful adventures I had while on vacation, and hopefully we will continue on having new adventures with our new boat I hope to share as well!
Thanks for reading!
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