The Easy Answer?

 

The days are beginning to get shorter again as our planet moves around the sun.  This reminds me to take full advantage of the next several weeks and enjoy the warm temps before fall arrives.  We have planned several excursion and trips in the upcoming month to close out summer.  My husband and I have a very special long weekend coming up which will mark a 10 year anniversary for us.  Four months after I first meet my husband, he invited me on a long weekend trip, just the two of us to the Atlantic coast of Florida.  At first I was concerned he was moving a little fast, I barely knew him; could he be a serial killer planning my demise out of state?  Despite my minds elaborate attempts to dissuade me, I agreed to go and it was probably one of the BEST if not THE BEST decisions of my life.  So much about that romantic trip went awry, but through it all we fell deeply in love with each other.  We had a wonderful adventure, which was the beginning of the story of US.   We were married by December of that same year and the rest is history as they say. Our anniversary weekend away will be back to the Atlantic coast of Florida to a new city that neither of us has been before.  I just love the adventure of exploring a new place with my husband, and learning about other areas of this country.

 

This is a photograph that I took while exploring a cemetery in New Orleans last year with my husband.  This statue moved my heart and reminded me of Love.

Last August when I lost my longtime companion pet Maggie, my heart was broken.  I knew she was perfect for me when she was in my life, and I have missed her just about every day since.  In the past few months I have tried to fill that empty space in my heart with other animals (1 cat, and 2 dogs so far) but for this reason or that they have not worked out.   I know that there will never be another Maggie in my life, but I do want to love another companion pet someday. Dog #1- Charlotte was a female puppy that I thought might be a good fit for me, but she was just a little too high strung, I am mostly a laid back person.  I was told that she has been adopted by a lady in Connecticut; I hope they both have bonded and have a long and happy relationship.  The cat we adopted was antisocial and only wanted to escape our realm in search of adventure.  We rehomed him to a golf course where he can roam and climb trees to his heart’s content.  Dog #2-Max-a shelter dog, has been our/my biggest challenge.  He is older and has been very difficult to train.  He is bigger, stronger, and has more energy than any dog I have ever been around.  I keep trying new strategies with him, and I have had some progress, but he can overpower me at times.  He too is up for adoption but he will need a strong arm, and a lot of patience from someone very special.  I don’t feel as if I have failed any of these animal or that they failed me; I am one of those people that tries to make lemonade out of lemons…always looking for that silver lining.  I try to find some positive purpose for the challenges that I face.  I try to remember that it can always be worse.  I try, I don’t always succeed, but I do try!  Compared to many other people, my challenges in life don’t really seem that bad.  I feel very fortunate to have been born in this country and to have the people in my life that I have around me.

Since 2002 I have been trying to come to terms with my son’s disease of Addiction. Looking back through the years I realize that I have been up and down emotionally, intellectually, and physically as he has tried to manage this progressive disease. I of course love my son, and want only for his health and happiness in every way.  He certainly has not done things that I thought he should, his standards of living his life are not the same as mine, and although we love each other very much we don’t have much in common.  He is trying to manage his disease his way, and I need to remember that this is his challenge not mine. We both are doing the best we can in life one day at a time.  I must admit that Al-Anon has helped me greatly and I recommend much of what that organization can offer. 

Life is life; we live, we love, we die.  I certainly do not have all the answers for myself let alone anyone else.  It is better that I do not know the status of my son’s disease; I refuse to be around him if I think he is under the influence, but otherwise I do like to visit with him on occasion.  I try and keep the focus on me and my life, but also check in with him from time to time.  He can be very sensitive at times, he too has good days and not so good days, but our arrangement right now seems to be working out ok.  He comes to my house once a week to do his laundry (at his request) and have dinner with me.  I usually send leftovers home with him, and I get to hug his neck and tell him I love him.  I try not to ask too many questions and we try not to discuss politics or religion. I realize that any day our situation can change and I may not hear from him , but I do not focus on the what if’s.  Marriage is not something that has worked out for my son, he has been married and divorce twice, and is currently single sharing an apartment with a friend and living his life on his terms. And although I don’t always agree, it is his life not mine!

Two weeks ago my husband found out that he too has a disease.  He was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes.  His disease is also progressive and requires a big life style change.  Diabetes is a disease like Addiction; a defect of the human body that has no known cure-although some people do not believe that.  My husband has been going through a lot of ups and downs in the past few days trying to comprehend this life changing news.  He was first in denial, then angry, then sad, and now he is trying to learn all he can in order to make the best possible choices every day to manage this disease.  Just like with my son and his disease, I cannot help my husband come to terms with his disease either.  Just like with my son, my husband must choose to make the healthy choices or continue on with the status quo.  The nurturing part of my being wants to help in some way; but simply stated I can NOT!  But I can live my life by example. The diet changes that my husband can benefit from I should support.  I am not going to bake a cake and have it in the house to tempt him.  I went with him to see the dietician last week, and it was amazing the difference in what I heard her say and what he heard her say.  (Mars & Venus- LOL)  So my take on this is that the diet changes that WE are going to make around our house are not a bad thing, they are a good thing.  We both can stand to lose some weight and eating healthy and exercising every day can help with that.

My daughter is waiting on biopsy results from a uterine cyst.  She is very positive that this will be nothing more than a benign tumor and all will be well.  I can do nothing to help her either way as we wait to hear back from her results.  I will rejoice if the news is good, and take a very deep breath if otherwise. 

There are no easy answers.  We have lots of answers to lots of questions, and some can seem easy, but eventually those answers will lead to harder questions still. For all of our research, knowledge, and understanding there is not just an easy answer to life and the why.  Just like a toddler who will ask the WHY? WHY? WHY series of questions, eventually we don’t have an answer.  We have our ideas, suspicion, beliefs, theories, feelings, research, and knowledge, but we ultimately have to accept something’s on faith.  Every night that I lay down to sleep I do so with faith and hope that I will awake in the morning with renewed energy and health, but I understand that one day I will not.  I have faith & hope in my son.  I have faith & hope in my husband.  I have faith and hope in my daughter.  But more importantly I have LOVE for them and I know they have love for me too!  No easy answers; but having love is worth so much more! I do not know what tomorrow will bring, so I will focus on today, and love.